28
Aug
10

JIMMY CARTER IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU

I’m starting to think that when you leave office after being President of the United States you become inducted into some kind of super global rescue squad and fight evil. Unless you were a Republican in which case you don’t do shit once you leave office except hang out with Arabs. I’m always seeing the first Bush rubbing elbows with sheiks or mullahs or whatever they call rich assholes in that part of the world.

The two surviving ex-Presidents from the Democratic Party, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, together have rendered the world’s second largest standing army completely helpless. Last year Clinton flew into North Korea and rescued two American journalists being held by Kim Jong Il and his robot henchmen. He also banged Jong Il’s wife when she tried to kill him but he turned the tables on her with his dashing good looks and love of danger. Well, now that the left jab had been thrown, it was time for the right cross. According to MSNBC:

“A Boston resident held captive in North Korea has arrived back in the United States. Aijalon Gomes was escorted back to the U.S. by former President Jimmy Carter. The 31-year-old walked off a plane at Logan Airport into the waiting arms of his family, including his sister Latifah.

“We’re just glad that he’s home, and home safe and that’s it,” said Latifah. Carter flew to North Korea this week on a private humanitarian mission to secure Gomes’ release. The man from Mattapan had been sentenced to eight years of hard labor. He was accused of entering the communist country illegally in January while teaching English in South Korea.

Last month, the state-run news agency in North Korea reported Gomes tried to kill himself. Soon after, his family begged for his release on humanitarian grounds. Then just last week, North Korea said it would free Gomes if Carter came to North Korea to get him. So, the former President did just that. “

Say what you want about Carter or his administration (and I’m old enough to remember his administration so I have plenty to say) the guy clearly has testicles made of depleted Uranium. It takes some nuts to fly into one of the world’s last Communist strongholds and rescue Queen Latifah’s brother. Especially at Carter’s age.

I would also say, however, that people should probably stop going to North Korea. I’m not sure what they’re looking for or what they think they’re going to find. Those two journalists Clinton sprung went there to document the cruelty of the North Korean regime and the suffering of its people. Like we need that documented. No shit people are suffering there. Whenever your leader wears the same gray tunic that bad guys in Kung Fu movies wear then I’m guessing that the people aren’t all robust and happy.

Frankly, if North Korea and all of its military might can’t stop Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter then I’m starting to wonder just why the rest of the world is so afraid of them. But then again, we would need special sunglasses to see Clinton and Carter as the extraterrestrial cyborg killing machines they really are. As for me, well, I’m here to chew gum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubble gum.

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