03
Sep
10

ANALLY RAPING YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE

Remember this clown? Probably not. Politically speaking, the American electorate has Alzheimer’s. It’s also kind of like a petulant child. A petulant child with Alzheimer’s. And petulant children with Alzheimer’s don’t make very good decisions. Wait, what was I just talking about?

“A sense of disappointment, bordering on betrayal, has been growing across the country, especially in moderate states like Indiana, where people now openly say they didn’t quite understand the President they voted for in 2008. The fear most often expressed is that Obama is taking the country somewhere they don’t want to go. “We bought what he said. He offered a lot of hope,” says Fred Ferlic, an Obama voter and orthopedic surgeon in South Bend who has since soured on his choice. Ferlic talks about the messy compromises in health care reform, his sense of an inhospitable business climate and the growth of government spending under Obama. “He’s trying to Europeanize us, and the Europeans are going the other way,” continues Ferlic, a former Democratic campaign donor who plans to vote Republican this year. “The entire American spirit is being broken.” – TIME

Yeah, because the American spirit was alive and well under eight years of total Republican rule. And maybe the reason we have a climate inhospitable to business is because, for nearly 40 years, conservatives have been donkey punching the American worker into submission. Then, they finally took away their jobs to punish them for voting Democrat. But let’s not ruin a good story by making sense just yet. According to The Independent:

August has tended to be a bad month for Mr Obama. In 2008, he suffered a major wobble in his ultimately victorious White House campaign against John McCain, while in 2009 he lost control of the health care debate as rowdy Tea Party-dominated “town hall” meetings made all the headlines.

If anything, this summer has been worse still, as the economic recovery on which Democrats were pinning their hopes has fizzled. “Successes” for the administration, like the end of combat operations in Iraq, pass largely unnoticed. With unemployment stuck close to 10 per cent, and fears of a double-dip recession growing daily, Mr Obama is being pilloried by Republicans as a profligate “big government” Democrat whose policies have succeeded only in increasing a deficit for which voters now blame this president, rather than the once-reviled George W Bush.

Mr Obama’s own approval rating has slipped to below 50 per cent, compared with 70 per cent-plus when he was inaugurated. Even more ominous for his party, a Gallup poll last week found voters preferred Republicans over Democrats for Congress by 51 per cent to 41 per cent, the widest margin in the so-called “generic vote” Gallup has ever recorded. If that lead holds, Republicans will do even better than in the epic 1994 midterm vote, the “Republican Revolution” spearheaded by the fiery Newt Gingrich, when 54 seats changed hands. This year, Democrats may have a clear financial edge, but the enthusiasm – as measured by likelihood of voting – is all Republican.”

Basically this means that voters are unhappy about how Democrats have governed. Well, more accurately they’re angry at Democrats for the things that have happened while Democrats have been in power. Kind of the same thing. But not really. You might be mad at me because I drank all your booze and pissed on your coffee table. Or you might be mad at me because a hurricane leveled your hometown. One makes perfect sense. The other is something a petulant child with Alzheimer’s would do.

Polls have shown that voters are looking to vote Republican this midterm election. And not because Republicans stand for anything (at least nothing they would publicly admit to) but because they’re mad at Democrats. Basically, it’s like being mad at your husband so you decide to move back in with the drunken stepfather who raped you as a child. And, yes, it is the same thing.

It’s been shown that when Americans put “those people” in office our nation becomes dumber and poorer. The government will not function under Republican rule because Republicans don’t believe there should be a government. Our children won’t get an education because Republicans need to keep people stupid so they’ll a) believe everything they see on Fox News and b) continue to elect Republicans. You also won’t be able to see a doctor because Republicans are of the mind that your level of healthcare should directly depend on how much money you inherited when you were born. All true. Seriously.

In the end, however, I have to grudgingly admit that I share this disappointment with Democrats. Today’s liberals, while I agree with them a majority of the time, are a bunch of pussies. FDR would have dragged John Boehner to the garage and spanked him after half the shit he’s said. And if some pansy-ass Republican like Joe Wilson had shouted “You lie!” while Johnson was addressing Congress he would have stepped down from the podium and made him wear women’s underwear. Obama, as much as I like him, needs a testicle enlargement. Not me, though. You could park a car in my scrotum.

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