03
Sep
10

JOHN BOEHNER IS THE NEXT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE

House Minority Leader, and George Hamilton fan, John Boehner (comically pronounced “beaner”) predicted recently that he would become Speaker of the House after the midterms this year. And, more and more, polls are starting to suggest that this will indeed happen.

Ironically, the people in Ohio (where Boehner is from) aren’t all that excited about this prospect. According to Public Policy Polling:

“It’s looking more and more likely that John Boehner will become Speaker of the House but he’s pretty unknown in Ohio and the folks who do have an opinion about him lean negative.

42% of Ohio voters say they don’t know enough about Boehner to rate him one way or the other. Among those who do 27% see him positively and 31% have an unfavorable view. Democrats (53%) dislike him more than Republicans (51%) like him and independents go against him by a 22/27 margin as well.

Only 28% of voters in the state want Boehner to become Speaker of the House if Republicans get the majority this fall while 44% explicitly say they want someone else and 28% are unsure. Republicans do by a 54/15 margin want Boehner to ascend to the top spot but Democrats (73/6) and independents (41/22) are not swayed by home state pride and think the GOP should pick someone else if they get in control.”

Thanks, Ohio, for unloading your political diarrhea on the rest of us. Boehner is, for lack of a better word, a jackass. And I mean jackass more in the sense that some people use the term “dangerously psychotic despot hell-bent on enslaving the middle-class”. They’re interchangeable terms, really.

Strangely, the people of Ohio not only hold negative views of Boehner but of his tan as well. PPP goes on to say:

“On a less serious note Boehner’s overall poll numbers are at least running ahead of the poll numbers for his tan. Only 8% of voters in the state have a favorable opinion of Boehner’s tan while 27% view it unfavorably. Democrats, Republicans, and independents alike have a negative opinion of it, about the only thing they all agreed on in this poll. 30% of voters in the state think Boehner spends too much time on his tan, 14% think he spends about the right amount of time, and 4% say it’s not enough. Maybe his overall poll numbers on the home front will go up if he tones it down a little on the tanning.”

Either he spent many years working inside the sun or he never took off his costume from Halloween when he went as a Nagasaki burn victim. Either way, thanks to all of you whining liberals and progressives who think the answer is to stay home this November, old Leatherface will most likely be banging the gavel next year.

And there’s a reason why you hardly ever see anything John Boehner says quoted in the mainstream media. In fact, there’s a reason you know almost nothing about him at all. YOU WOULDN’T VOTE REPUBLICAN IF YOU DID. So without further ado, here are some fun facts about the man everyone seems ready to make the 3rd most powerful man in the United States Government.

Boehner wants to raise the retirement age to 70

It’s your fault for electing people who raided Social Security so you should have to work longer to help pay for what they stole. So the logic goes, I guess. Whenever I try to tackle the issue of what Republicans did to our economy and our country, I keep coming back to that 50-or-so million voters who kept putting them in power. So when we’re all elderly and still working at McDonald’s to pay for our grossly overpriced medication, I hope you people are happy that two men can’t get married… or whatever the hell it is you believe in.

Boehner supported the Iraq war and still thinks it was the right thing to do

Even though the vast majority of Americans are looking at Iraq the way you look at that obese chick you had drunken sex with the night before, Mr. Boehn thought it was an absolutely swimming idea. God only knows who he wants us to invade next.

Boehner, and most other Republicans, feel that vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan are “not helping” with regard to the recession because it costs money to treat their injuries and mental disorders.

Funny, Mr. Boehn wasn’t concerned about the impact on our economy when they decided to throw 1,0748,6759,6505 dollars into the unprovoked invasion and occupation of another country. Of course, several new polls indicate that veterans of either conflict are not voting Republican. So yeah, when it comes to the GOP and their dream of a government-less state run by Wal-Mart and Haliburton then I suppose they aren’t helping. And, to be fair, I can see how losing a limb or watching friends die in a foreign country might fool the average person into thinking they matter.

Mr. Boehn wants to repeal the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution because if brown people become citizens they won’t make white Christians rich anymore.

Conservatives love money. What’s more, they love people who have no other choice but to work for less than an actual U.S. citizen makes. To give them a bigger wage would be to give them economic power. And, yeah, I threw in “Christian” without any sort of evidence to back me up. Then again Fox News does it all the time so why can’t I? And, anyway, tell me I’m wrong…

But, perhaps Mr. Boehn’s ascension to Speaker is a natural thing. After all, historically, this position has been held by some of the most hideous abominations produced by nature. A few examples:

Nancy Pelosi

I was happy when Democrats took over Congress. But, I’m also a heterosexual male which means that I’m not capable of taking ugly women seriously, no matter what office they hold. And I use the word “ugly” in the most diplomatic way possible. Were I a little rougher around the edges I might use terms like “Loch Ness” or “One of Dr. Mengele’s early experiments”.

Dennis Hastert

Being Dennis Hastert is a kind of deformity in and of itself. Then again, what do you expect when you’re a direct descendant of Mr. Magoo?

Newt Gingrich

Having a name like “Newt” is perhaps the biggest barrier a man could have between his penis and a woman’s vagina. To make fun of his appearance is to add salt to one of nature’s worst wounds.

Tip O’Neil

Imagine if Santa Claus had sex with that guy who replaced Shemp on the Three Stooges after he died. Tip O’Neil is one of the few human beings who had a nose redder than Rudolph’s. Luckily, while he was alive and in office, they kept his drinking problem under wraps. And I’m glad they did. If that came out, people might think that fat, red-nosed Irishmen from Boston tend to drink too much. Talk about dodging a bullet.

Sam Rayburn

You probably never heard of this guy. Which is a good thing. To have seen the face of Representative Rayburn most likely meant you were the victim of a serial rapist.

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