I’m pretty sure that America is the coolest thing the human race has ever invented. The rest of the world is old and weird and has shit for taste in music. The rest of the world smells and people don’t brush their teeth or cut their fingernails. The rest of the world lives without plumbing and makes women wear capes. In some places, in the rest of the world, they rip off girls’ clitorises and rape them out of the hopelessly ignorant belief that it will cure the AIDS they got from having sex with monkeys or bats or whatever the hell they do… over there.

So while the rest of the world is running around in funny hats and stoning women and burning villages and screaming about things that happened thousands of years ago, I’m going to fire up the grill and make burgers. In fact, I’m going to make far more burgers than I or my family could ever eat just so I can thumb my nose at the retards we share this planet with.

A planet, mind you, that we Americans have saved more times than I can count. No need to thank us. And, you won’t.

On this Labor Day I want to follow the tradition set down by my family and take just a few minutes to think about the countless broken backs upon which this nation got to where it is. In America we tend to glorify people like the Rockefellers or Bill Gates or Steven Spielberg just because they’re rich and lucky. Yet if someone wants to remember the nameless, faceless American laborer who actually put blood and sweat and tears into building this country you get accused of being a Communist. I don’t care. Communists failed but at least they had heart. And for about 30 seconds they actually had the world scared shitless that a society run by workers could dominate the planet.

Now, more than ever, American workers need to rise up and slaughter their oppressors. Crap. Sorry. I was hoping to ease into that part and not just blurt it out.

A boss once asked me “Do I have to think of everything?” I replied “Yes. Most definitely. You’re the boss. That’s your job. I do. You think. That’s the division of labor.” I then went on to explain to her that if I have to do both the thinking and the doing then, frankly, we really didn’t need her. After that conversation my boss failed to continue paying me. I think it had something to do with her being overweight. It’s okay. I forgive her.

If they could, every business owner in America would put chains on you and make you work for nothing. Anyone who says that the private sector would never hurt or oppress people is either hopelessly naïve or trying to hurt and oppress you. Tyrants never come along and say “Hi, I’m a tyrant”. They take away your rights little-by-little. They demoralize you just a little bit every day. They pay you just a little less for more work. And by the time their propaganda sinks in you’ll probably elect people who openly support these policies but, by god, they’re going to stop men from kissing each other.

The minimum wage in America is still so laughably low that anyone making that little needs three jobs to make “ends meet”. Many states now have something called “At Will Employment” which means that your employer, upon whose paycheck your entire existence relies, can just arbitrarily terminate you for no reason. Oh yeah, it also means you can quit a job anytime you want. Because, you know, without a law you couldn’t do that.

Your boss, in all likelihood, hates your very existence. He hates you because you think a day’s work entitles you to something in return. He hates you because there are laws which enable you to take him to court and run him through the ringer when he sexually harasses you or makes you work in hazardous conditions. He hates you because this is a democracy and you can vote. He hates you not only because you have rights, but because you know what they are.

He hates you because you get a day off to think about things like this.

We have it good in America. But if we don’t stay vigilant this country could quickly sink into the diseased toilet bowl that is the rest of the world. And one day when people talk about America they will laugh and say such a place could never have existed. And you know what? If I hadn’t seen America with my own eyes I might agree with them.



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: