I spent about four years learning martial arts from an Iranian guy. And he was probably the fiercest critic of his home country I had ever encountered. The things he had to say about the ruling Islamic government and Islamic Law were  harsher than anything some sissy on Fox News or The 700 Club would ever say. And having lived there until he was 11, he told me stories far more dark and twisted than anything you’ll ever see reported in the mainstream media.

Of course, this is why he was now an American citizen. And I say good for him. And good for anyone in this world who wants to escape the primordial cesspool they come from and come here. America ain’t perfect. Far from it. But you know what? We don’t tolerate shit like this:

“Mohammadi Ashtiani was first convicted in 2006 of having an “illicit relationship” with two men after the death of her husband and was sentenced by a court to 99 lashes. Later that year she was also convicted of adultery and sentenced to be stoned to death, even though she retracted a confession that she claims was made under duress. Iran lifted that sentence last month, but now says that she has been convicted of involvement in her husband’s killing.” – The Guardian.

Iran only charged her in the death of her husband after everyone blew a fuse over their intention to torture and kill a woman for having sex with a man. That’s like sentencing someone to death for speeding but when people get their panties in a twist you throw in “domestic terrorism” to justify it. And being complicit in a murder or not, stoning is the most obnoxious way to kill someone ever devised. Oh, but wait, there’s more. According to The Associated Press:

“Meanwhile, Ashtiani’s lawyer has said there are still worries the delayed execution could be carried out soon. With the end of the Muslim holy month Ramadan this week, the mother of two could be executed “any moment,” said Javid Houtan Kian.

He also confirmed that Ashtiani was lashed 99 times last week in a separate punishment meted out because a British newspaper ran a picture of an unveiled woman mistakenly identified as her. Under Iran’s clerical rule, women must cover their hair in public. The newspaper later apologized for the error.”

Sure. Why not. Hell, before we spend as much as 45 MINUTES stoning a woman to death let’s whip her too. Yeah, that’ll teach her to never… go outside without a hat on again. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m writing this. And I was about to criticize the British newspaper that made the error that got her whipped in the first place. But then I sat back and quietly repeated the words “Iran whips people for not wearing hats” a few times and I came to the conclusion that falling standards in British print media are probably not the real issue here.

It should be pointed out that both the man and the woman are subject to stoning under most forms of Islamic Law in a case like this. Traditionally, the accused is buried in sand and then rocks are hurled at their head until death. Interestingly, if the accused manages to get out of the sand and get loose they are allowed to live and go free. Unfortunately, under most forms of Islamic Law, accused men are buried up to their waist. Accused women are buried up to their necks.

Religious nuts of all stripes are always passing themselves off as these macho tough types. But why is it then that they only pick on girls and homosexuals? They probably bury the woman up to her neck because otherwise she might get loose and punch them or something. I would. Throw a rock at my head and I’ll make you eat it, god boy.

I know what you’re thinking: Magnus, where are the Catholics in all of this? Oh they’re on the scene baby. Which I didn’t expect, to be honest with you. Then again, nobody expects the Catholic Church. Their chief weapon is surprise. The Associated Press goes on to say:

“The Vatican raised the possibility Sunday of using behind-the-scenes diplomacy to try to save the life of an Iranian widow sentenced to be stoned for adultery. In its first public statement on the case, which has attracted worldwide attention, the Vatican decried stoning as a particularly brutal form of capital punishment. Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico Lombardi said the Catholic church opposes the death penalty in general.”

I’m glad to see that the Catholic Church is still a leading voice for human rights in the world. Unless, of course, you wear a condom or teach evolution in school. Then, well, not so much. And the Catholic Church’s anti-death penalty stance is a relatively new development. Those of you with a No Child Left Behind education probably aren’t familiar with the Spanish Inquisition, or how the Pope used to have people killed for saying the earth revolved around the sun.

Then again, maybe the religious lunatics in Tehran and the religious lunatics in Rome will speak the same lunatic language and it will get worked out somehow. Just like that movie where only a ninja could kill another ninja.



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