29
Sep
10

KLAATU BARADA NIKTO

File this one under “Huh?” with the subheading “Wait… what now?” In a shockingly underreported story run by Reuters this week it was revealed that the atomic arsenals of the United States and other countries have been infiltrated by aliens. And not the kind that try to sell you oranges on the freeway on-ramp. From Reuters:

“Witness testimony from more than 120 former or retired military personnel points to an ongoing and alarming intervention by unidentified aerial objects at nuclear weapons sites, as recently as 2003. In some cases, several nuclear missiles simultaneously and inexplicably malfunctioned while a disc-shaped object silently hovered nearby.  Six former U.S. Air Force officers and one former enlisted man will break their silence about these events at the National Press Club and urge the government to publicly confirm their reality.

One of them, ICBM launch officer Captain Robert Salas, was on duty during one missile disruption incident at  Malmstrom Air Force Base and was ordered to never discuss it.  Another participant, retired Col. Charles Halt, observed a disc-shaped object directing beams of light down into the RAF Bentwaters airbase in England and heard  on the radio that they landed in the nuclear weapons storage area. Both men will provide stunning details about these events, and reveal how the U.S. military responded.”

If anything, this really makes me disappointed in the preparedness of the armed forces. A UFO being in the “nuclear weapons storage area” is an event which should be followed by alarms, barking dogs and machine guns firing. Fighter jets should be scrambled. Helicopters should be doing strafing runs. Kiefer Sutherland should be torturing someone. But apparently they just asked everyone not to talk about it.

Martin Sheen and some hippies show up at a nuclear weapons facility and they start shooting. The Romulans actually land a ship inside and start tinkering with atomic weaponry and it doesn’t sound like they did a whole lot. And, haven’t been doing much of anything for sixty years. The Reuters piece goes on to say:

“The group of witnesses and a leading researcher, who has brought them together for the first time, will discuss the national security implications of these and other alarmingly similar incidents and will urge the government to reveal all information about them. This is a public-awareness issue.

Declassified U.S. government documents, to be distributed at the event, now substantiate the reality of UFO activity at nuclear weapons sites extending back to 1948. The press conference will also address present-day concerns about the abuse of government secrecy as well as the ongoing threat of nuclear weapons.”

Firstly, I know that nuclear weapons are impressive… to us humans. My guess is that a species which has mastered space travel has weapons that make our crude atom-splitting devices look as primitive as a wooden club. Secondly, human arrogance always assumes that alien visitors would even be interested in us or this planet.

Personally, if I had a spaceship I wouldn’t have much interest in Earth. Why would I want to hang out with humans and their internal combustion cars and largely-unused brain capacities? If I could visit the epicenter of the universe then why would I spend my evenings hovering over farm fields in Iowa? If I could visit strange new worlds and interact with the oldest and most intelligent creatures in existence then why would I want to repeatedly stick a probe up Whitley Strieber’s ass?

For that matter, why would the United States Air Force let so many of their highest-security personnel talk publicly about the most important information in human history: that we are not alone? The optimist in me wants to say it’s because they were taken completely by surprise when so many brave men stepped forward to tell their stories, and the truth cannot be hidden in a great and free society like ours.

The cynic in me, however, points out that our government imprisons people for treason when they so much as discuss the shit they spray on a stealth fighter to make it invisible to radar. They locked up a guy from the State Department once because he sold Korean War-era missile schematics to Israel. My guess is that the REAL secrets are things we’ve never even heard of. This UFO stuff helps keep people from asking about the things our military is REALLY doing.

The Klingon in me, however, is pretty certain that we need to build a giant fence around our solar system and arm it with lasers and flamethrowers. If visitors from another world are willing to violate our airspace and territorial sovereignty then who knows what else they’re willing to do to us.

An alien is an alien, after all.

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