I was sincerely under the impression that, when I got married, I had simply acquired a new piece of property. And I had thousands of years of legal and religious precedent to back me up. Well, when I say “legal and religious precedent” what I really mean is “crap people have been claiming that god said and using it as a pretext for all kinds of horrible and sadistic things”. I know, I’m a real stickler for semantics.

Obviously my wife is not my property or I would put bumper stickers all over her. But, a cleric in the U.K. has some interesting things to say about marriage. And what is acceptable within a marriage. According to CNN:

“Sheikh Maulana Abu Sayeed, who is president of the Islamic Sharia Council, told a website that “sex is part of marriage” and suggested that husbands who commit such acts should not be prosecuted.

“Clearly there cannot be any rape within the marriage,” he told The Samosa website. “Maybe aggression, maybe indecent activity… Because when they got married, the understanding was that sexual intercourse was part of the marriage, so there cannot be anything against sex in marriage. Of course, if it happened without her desire, that is no good, that is not desirable.”

Sayeed runs Britain’s largest network of Islamic sharia courts, The Independent reported. Rape within marriage has been illegal in Britain since 1991.”

Firstly I’m relieved. I can finally defend myself against my wife and all those prosecutors. Fucking heretics. I hope they enjoy burning in everlasting rapeless hellfire.

Secondly, I have to say I was stunned by this guy’s remarks on marital rape and bliss. But, I’m even more stunned that Britain only just outlawed this kind of thing in 1991. Then again the last American state to outlaw it was North Carolina in 1993. Jesus, even the goddamn Soviets outlawed this kind of thing as far back as 1960. That must have been when rape started. Scientists believe it evolved from a single-cell organism in the ocean. At some point it learned how to breathe air instead of water, crawled out of the ocean and turned into Fatty Arbuckle.

What a lot of Americans don’t realize about Britain, and a lot of other European countries for that matter, is that the immigrant Muslim populations there have basically set up their own religious courts and judicial systems. Now, that kind of thing hasn’t really taken off here in America. And that’s despite the paranoid mental mucus blown from the nose of Fox News.

What we do have in America are tax-evading militia groups and psychotic anti-abortionists. They like to put doctors and judges on trial (usually in someone’s basement or garage) using the bible or something Benjamin Franklin scribbled on a napkin once as a legal pretext. Sometimes they go out and kill the judges or the doctors they find guilty. Or they bomb federal buildings. Or they run for U.S. Senate in Nevada and say shit like this:

“…if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.” – Sharron Angle

So yeah, rape does exist within marriage. Pretty conclusively too. It’s not just a silly myth like The Flying Dutchman or the female orgasm. And I don’t give a shit about Mohammed or Abraham or Jesus or whatever ancient bearded guy from the Middle East you take your cues from. Don’t rape your wife. There’s no telling what second amendment remedies she might seek. I would say not to do it because it’s morally wrong but it’s not like I’m the fucking Pope over here.



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