15
Oct
10

YOUR WAITRESS WANTS TO FUCK YOU

Well, no, she doesn’t. In fact she probably has more contempt and hatred for you than anyone else on earth. But would you buy more food or leave a bigger tip if she acted like she was genuinely attracted to you? Yeah, you would. Don’t even bother thinking about that one.

I’ve worked in plenty of restaurants. I’ll admit I’ve never waited tables, but I’ve done just about everything else. Working in a restaurant is misery and hell. In Britain, however, there’s a new trend amongst eateries which is being studied by restaurant owners in America. According to the Guardian:

 

“Actors, musicians and other performers have been drafted in to help staff improve their interactions with customers. Amongst them is “classical actor” Karl James, founder of The Dialogue Project, a school that helps people master the art of conversation, who will teach staff “how to flirt (subtly) with customers so they feel more comfortable and relaxed”

Do we really need a school to teach us the “art” of conversation? It’s not an “art”, first of all. I say something. You say something. It’s that simple. We don’t need to throw in subtle eyebrow gestures or secret winks or that kind of bullshit.

They say most communication is non-verbal. Well, more of it should be verbal. In fact I think the law should state quite clearly that all communication must be verbal. Non-verbal communication is all well and good for bats and monkeys. But, we’re humans. We can speak. That’s why we run this planet. If you’re going wiggle your ears or pat your tummy instead of speaking to me then go live in the goddamn forest with the rest of the animals.

Anyway, this is the part of the story that got me. The Guardian quotes this dick-sniffing actor Karl James (the man who can teach you how to talk to people because you’re too dumb to know how) and I think he really sums up the mentality here:

 

“There’s a difference between flirting with someone and coming on to them. We’re not asking them to do that – that would be mad. But if you’re a guy and a really gorgeous Italian girl comes to your table it’s great to meet somebody like that. It’s even better to hear her talk with passion and authenticity about the ingredients on the menu – that’s the flirtation we’re talking about.”

 

This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read. I don’t know what daytime soap opera this tool has been watching but people who come into restaurants usually don’t know jack shit about the ingredients. And no, there is not a difference between flirting and coming on to someone. You wouldn’t flirt with someone you didn’t want to have sex with. Someone flirts with me and they better be ready for the last ten minutes of THE BROWN BUNNY.

Personally, I tip more when my waiter or waitress doesn’t try and socialize with me. I’m there to eat, not to communicate; with my mouth or with anything else. And, to be honest, I usually leave my server alone because you should never get on the wrong side of someone who brings you your food. I see it as a simple, quiet understanding.

But, hey, if my waitress genuinely wants to nail me then so much the better. I’ll just skip dessert.

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