Archive for December, 2010



Civilian leaders always lose me when they put on military uniforms. When George Bush (not that one, the other one) put on a Navy flight suit I knew thousands of lives and billions of dollars were going right down the toilet.

America’s ties with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have never been exactly tender and loving. Recently, however, the friction has gotten so bad that Chavez has gone commando and started donning a military uniform in public. And a beret. Gotta’ love the beret. It’s so… Che.

“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez dared the U.S. to expel his ambassador in retaliation for his move to reject the U.S. envoy to the South American country.

On Wednesday, that’s just what the Obama administration did.

Chavez issued his dare a day earlier, saying he would not allow the U.S. diplomat, Larry Palmer, to be ambassador because the U.S. official made what Chavez described as blatantly disrespectful remarks about Venezuela.” – ASSOCIATED PRESS

Yeah, go ahead and dare us. We thumb our nose at the rest of the world on a weekly basis, my friend. Most Americans can’t find Venezuela on a map let alone give two farts about whether or not we have diplomatic ties.

Latin American countries have a long tradition of putting popular socialists into office. And we have a long tradition of killing them and installing capitalist patsies instead. Thus far this hasn’t worked with Chavez because, like a ruptured hemorrhoid, he keeps shitting red all over our nice clean free market toilet.

“The situation had shown signs of improving with the election of Barack Obama, he says; however, President Chavez later declared him to be “a great disappointment” and claimed he had “the same stench as George W Bush”.” BBC NEWS


Jesus, man, how far left-of-center are you?

Morons like Chavez are what give socialism a totally bad rap. I’m all for empowering the people. And I’m totally for the people having a check on the wealthy and the private sector.

But, ever since taking power in 1999 he has slowly whittled away civil liberties and freedoms there. He has also suspended parliament on a number of occasions and ruled by decree in the interim. His political opponents have a tendency to shoot themselves in the back of the head.

Chavez has also repeatedly used Venezuela’s military to threaten and intimidate other countries. And America won’t stand for that. I mean, we do it too. But, we’re America. So, you know, it’s okay. For us I mean. Not them.



Just when you thought the Orthodox Jewish community couldn’t get any cuter and cuddlier, we get this schtickle of a story from Earth’s current hotbed of ethnic lunacy.

Apparently, the wives of ultra-orthodox rabbis in Israel published a letter recently urging Jewish women not to marry, date or work with non-Jews. Via Haaretz:

“”Don’t date non-Jews, don’t work in places where there are non-Jews, and don’t perform national service together with non-Jews,” the letter urges.


The letter comes on the heels of a letter earlier this month endorsed by dozens of municipal rabbis that urged Jews not to rent or sell homes to non-Jews.”

Awesome. I mean, if the Jews do it then it must be okay for the rest of us. Right? Like when black rappers use the “N” word or gay people use the “F”, “D” and “H” words.

How about if the American taxpayer decided that we shouldn’t give foreign aid to non-pork eating people? How about if we decided not to share intelligence with people who don’t shake hands with women? What if we just chose to ignore racist assholes altogether?

Racial purity is the last hurrah of human barbarism. It was sick and twisted when the Nazis did it. It’s just as fucking retarded when the Jews do it. And I got news for you: if the babe in the photo is indicative of the women in the orthodox community, then I don’t think that beating back hoards of gentile men is going to be your biggest problem. I’d be more concerned about cows and elephants mistaking them for one of their own and trying to mate.

They quickly tried to clarify this crap by claiming they were only referring to Arabs. Haaretz goes on to say:

“Though parts of the letter refer to non-Jews in a generic way, other parts make it clear that the rabbis’ wives – including Esther Lior, the wife of Rabbi Dov Lior of Kiryat Arba, and Nitzhia Yosef, the wife of Rabbi Yaakov Yosef of Jerusalem and daughter-in-law of Shas spiritual leader Rabbi Ovadia Yosef – are referring specifically to Arabs.”

And only in the most backwards part of the world would they think that makes it okay. Tell you what, Esther of the dove crabs and Nitzhia of the oval-shaped yo-yo: keep your women. You can have them all to yourself.

This gentile giant is taken.



He’s about 1,000 miles behind you. But that’s not going to stop him from urging you to put yourself in harm’s way. During his yearly Christmas address from the relative safety of the Vatican, Pope Benedict put out a call to Christians all over the world to get themselves killed.

“He urged Roman Catholics in China to face with courage the limits on their freedom. He also called for political leaders to show solidarity with Christians throughout the Middle East, saying that those living in Iraq faced persecution.” – BBC NEWS

Yeah, Chinese Cathorics, make yourselves the target of the  most heavily armed totalitarian regime on Earth. Come on, do it for the old man. You’ll go to heaven. Promise.

“In the Middle East, the Vatican fears further attacks like the one on a Catholic cathedral in Baghdad in October that killed 52 people.” – BBC NEWS

Call me insensitive (which means I don’t care what you think anyway) but if you’re a Catholic and you live in Iraq you should probably leave. In fact, I would go ahead and say leave the Middle East altogether. I know, I know. Jesus was from there. Well, the Japanese love Elvis but you don’t see them building goddamn pagodas in the deep American South.

Hell, if that’s your attitude, why don’t you just run around the streets of Jerusalem dragging a Star of David through the dirt and screaming “Jesus killers!” Better yet, have your annual Christian Rock festival in Tehran. Or just blow your own brains out with a gun. Same thing.

I’ve never understood the Catholic Church’s obsession with creepy old men. It really wouldn’t kill them to make a young guy Pope. Or a woman. Or someone representative of the other ¾ of the human population who aren’t zombified white guys.

But, apparently, they’re not bothered by the optics of a former Hitler Youth telling the world’s other ethnic groups to die for him. I guess that sort of complicated theological discrepancy is why I’m not a Catholic. Well, that and I think it’s all a crock of shit.



Chances of winning the nomination: Good

Chances of beating Barack Obama: Poor

Retard Index: Beyond Measure

There’s very little I can say about Sarah Palin that hasn’t already been said. I almost never do pieces on her because, frankly, never in my life have I seen so much written about someone so transparent and one-dimensional.

She reminds me of the Nicole Kidman character in TO DIE FOR. She’s a shark when it comes to getting attention. But, that’s really it. And for as deeply as we want to dig to see what lies beneath I sense that there really is nothing there except for a constant sucking sound.

Palin is the end result of some 40 years of conservative political inbreeding. What we see as her jaw-dropping ignorance is a positive moral virtue in retard culture. Like George Bush (not that one, the other one) her complete lack of intellect is viewed as a sign of purity. It’s what makes her “good people”.

There is a simple metric when it comes to political campaigns: it’s not enough to be liked, your opponent has to be hated. For every wide-eyed idealist who voted for Barack Obama there was an angry realist infuriated at the idea of John McBush getting into office. After eight years of that crap I knew I would vote for Charles Manson if it meant keeping those people out of power.

Palin’s popularity long ago hit its ceiling. Few people are going to start liking her at this point no matter how many “you betchas” she Twitters or caribou she guns down. But Palin, like many conservatives, actually believes that if she just keeps doing and saying the same things over and over again there will one day be a different outcome.

In a general election look for Obama to… well, speak in complete sentences. Palin’s political spasticity will eventually show itself, probably by the first debate. You may have fallen out of love with Barack. But admit it, the first time you envision a White House with plaid drapes and corks on all the forks, you’ll be up bright and early come Election Day.



Chances of winning the nomination: good to excellent

Chances of defeating Barack Obama: good

Retard Index: 0.09

If wealthy white conservatives had a gangster rapper it would be Newton Leroy Gingrich. And if he rolled up his shirt he would have “WHITE LIFE” tattooed on his stomach.

As I’ve said before, having a name like “Newt” is the greatest barrier a man can have between his penis and a woman’s vagina. And “Gingrich” sounds like something one gets when they don’t wash their testicles.

Okay. Now that all the toilet humor is out of the way, let’s get down to it.

Of all the people lining up to take on Barack Obama, Newtie Smalls is the man who could very well end up pulling it off. He has been circling the White House like a Great White (pun very much intended) for decades. Combined with the fact that he’s not getting any younger he finally seems ready to sharpen his fangs and go in for the kill.

And what a battle it will be. Ice Newt’s angle to grab the nomination is a good one: he’s going to keep sounding like “the sane one” in the hopes that whatever retard ale his party is drinking will wear off. And it might just work.

Newt Dogg himself only just barely tows the retard line. His whole thing is money and lots of it. In his world, rich people should be in charge and poor people should shut up and go to work at one of their five, underpaying jobs so they don’t have time to vote.

And the middle class? Ha ha ha ha! You don’t exist in his world. You’re an illusion. A mirage on the distant sands of the capitalist desert. And yet many of you will vote for him anyway because of the gays. And the blacks. And the gay blacks. Whatever. Sure.

Obama will have to rely exclusively on his charm and personality, weapons which should not be underestimated in a national political campaign. Look at George Bush (not that one, the other one). Charisma is Newtpac’s Achilles’ heel in that he has absolutely none. In fact I think he’s actually got a personality deficit.

Yet if he can get just enough paranoid, xenophobic and angry white people behind him he could take the top spot. And then our President won’t sound like a foreigner, he’ll sound like a fungus.

But we won’t have time to laugh about that. Walmart opens early and that’s where we’ll all end up working.



Chances of winning the nomination: fair

Chances of beating Barack Obama: fair

Retard Index: 6.66

I have to admit that Mitt Romney is a tough nut to crack. And, full disclosure here, I know next to nothing about Mormonism. Granted, all the information I need is a mere keystroke away. But, in politics, what people believe is more important than what they know. Seriously, ask George Bush (not that one, the other one).

Romney enters the 2012 primary armed with a truly formidable fundraising operation and some pretty good name recognition. He’s liked by big business and adored by fiscal conservatives. He’s also one of the few GOP hopefuls with a decent head of hair.

Strangely, Romney’s toughest job has been, and will be, winning over the retard block of the party. The problem? He’s not retarded, he’s crazy. And the crazy/retard feud goes back all the way to prehistoric times when the Mormons forced their retard slaves to build Stonehenge.

Being crazy instead of retarded is what allowed Romney to get elected governor of Massachusetts and preside over the implementation of perhaps the most progressive healthcare system in America. His insanity is so well hidden, in fact, that people just throw money at him. Seriously, he’s worth like 200 million bucks (which is about $46.87 in Mormon dollars).

Should Romney seize the nomination I actually give him a fair chance of beating Obama. Romney has the ability to look and sound sane for long periods of time. And the more he talks about things like government spending and illegal immigrants the less people will think about his bulletproof underwear.

Look for him to anchor his eight arms to the center-right in the battle for Mitt-le Earth. If Obama is smart he’ll stake his claim to the center while Romney and the other Republican wannabes are trying to out-Fox each other. And it’s only inevitable that Romney will have to explain to people why the Mormons killed all those Jedi children on Coruscant.

Romney’s mask of sanity will eventually fall off, however. In fact I think he’s about one missed Luvox away from pulling out his ceremonial dagger and stabbing a black man.



Chances of winning the nomination: poor to fair

Chances of defeating Barack Obama: poor

Retard Index: 7.62

Not since Pat Buchanan entered New Hampshire in 1988 wearing a Daniel Boone hat and waving a rifle over his head has the ultra-conservative right fallen so madly in love with a candidate… only to completely abandon him halfway through the primaries for a moderate war hero.

Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas, has spent his entire national political career trying really goddamn hard to get people’s attention. He’s done all the right conservative things like shoot things, go to church and hate on the gays.

He also never misses an opportunity to point out that he is a former minister and once headed the Arkansas Southern Baptist Convention. In other words, yeah, he’s angry about a black guy in the White House too.

Huckabee carries some of the more bona fide social conservative credentials of the field. However, as in 2008, he lags far behind the others in fundraising and name recognition. And despite being backed by infomercial star Chuck Norris he still lacks a major political endorsement. Should he make it to the nomination, look for Obama to push him far to the right (not a hard thing to do) and then squash him with charisma.

There are also several other, not so intellectual reasons why a Huckabee candidacy is doomed from the start. Firstly, short guys never get elected to the Presidency (seriously, he’s like Tom Cruise’s height). Secondly, “Huckabee” falls into that category of name that most people can’t say without laughing to themselves. Like “Dukakis” or “Gephardt” it looks utterly asinine on a campaign sign let alone following the title of U.S. President.

He also lacks the charisma of others competing for the Jesus/racial hatred vote. Up close he looks like Mr. Spacely and sounds like Woody Allen. And you can tell from that goofy smile of his that he just doesn’t have it in him to get nasty in a campaign.

But, he is a pretty hardcore creationist so he’s probably on everyone’s shortlist for Secretary of Education.