Usually, Thanksgiving is a time when we think about the things we’re thankful for. I, on the other hand, use Thanksgiving to call everyone I know and tell them they are welcome for having me in their lives. And I don’t even ask that they say “thank you”. That’s the kind of giving person I am.

By extension this is the most giving country on the planet. We are not the world’s policeman. We are the world’s babysitter. And doctor. And therapist. And engineer. And battered housewife. America is like that one bolt on a car that, were it removed, the whole thing would fall apart.

So over the weekend, after consuming a truly disgusting amount of food, I compiled a list of those in the world we should all feel obligated to reach out to and say “Hey, you’re welcome. Jackass.”


There really is no easy way to say it, but you only exist because of us. No, god has nothing to do with it. Without billions of dollars in American aid, training and intelligence you’d be the smallest fucking Arab country on Earth. You wouldn’t even be able to dress yourselves without us holding your hand and showing you how (every day is not a funeral, guys). And even though you take every opportunity to embarrass us, you’re still welcome.


Not only have we saved you from certain annihilation (see World Wars I and II) but, more importantly, without us you’d have nobody to feel superior to. The French just laugh at you. The Germans build everything better than you do. The Spanish are, well, much more fun to hang out with. But, ah yes, you can still have a nice warm cup of tea and crack jokes about how awful our television programming is or how fat we all are. You’re welcome.


Look, you bunch of land-locked morons, a country as useless and backwards as yours shouldn’t even be on a map let alone the central front in America’s foreign policy. And you think a decade of American occupation is bad? Wait until we leave, jackass. When an illiterate lunatic with an AK-47 is forcing you to grow a beard and beating your wife for reading Doonesbury you’ll realize how good you had it when we were there. Until then, you’re welcome.


Were it not for the USA that religion would have faded away like a bad fart two centuries ago. Like so many things in this world it only exists because America does. You’re welcome, Jesus.


This is one area I feel America pretty much puts out. Whales, for example, have no fear of beaching themselves because the humans, usually Americans, come running like a bunch of retards and throw them back in the water. And despite our reputation as resource-swilling idiots, we are one of the few countries that actually plants a new forest when we chop an old one down. You’re welcome, nature.


Come, children, suck some more upon the teet. You’re welcome.


Thousands of years from now archaeologist and historians will write volumes upon volumes about America… and all those other countries. Yeah, right. Split the atom? Us. Man on the moon? Us again. Cured more diseases than any other society in human history? Us some more. Stopped the whole of human civilization from sliding into the toilet of darkness and barbarism? Gimme’ some, America. You’re welcome, mankind.


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