Doing a piece on Oprah Winfrey is an affront to just about everything I stand for. And I’ll be quite honest about how utterly baffled I continue to be at this woman’s success. I mean really, she’s about as telegenic as an anus.

I just assume that some kind of orgy with Satan was involved. Maybe a human sacrifice. At the very least she’s been to The Temple of Doom and drank from the cup of Thuggee. I really don’t know how else someone with the personality of Boo Radley became the most famous woman on Earth.

Winfrey has also battled rumors for years that she is a lesbian. This is something that, in and of itself, should not keep one from being successful or even respected. Just look at Hillary Clinton or Grace Jones. But, if there’s one thing I can’t get behind it’s when someone shows me one thing and tells me it’s another. Like when the school nurse told me the flesh-colored hairy thing between “her” legs was a rectal thermometer or when ISHTAR was billed as a comedy. I hate that stuff.

If it swims around in the water going “quack” it is, in all likelihood, a goddamn duck. I’m not going to play along and call it a Nuclear Physicist or a U.N. Ambassador. And yet, this week, Oprah herself sat down with Barbara Walters and proclaimed that 2 + 2 really does equal 5:

“I’m not even kind of a lesbian,” the talk-show queen, 56, tells Barbara Walters in an upcoming interview on ABC. “And the reason why [the rumor] irritates me is because it means that somebody must think I’m lying. That’s number one. Number two … why would you want to hide it? That is not the way I run my life.”

The rumors have focused on Winfrey’s friend Gayle King. But Winfrey says that relationship is extremely close in a whole different way.”

I think I know the “whole different way” you’re referring to, Oprah. I’ve seen the Indigo Girls in concert. I’ve seen WHERE THE BOYS AREN’T 1 through 9 many, many times. I’ve met Ellen Degeneres. A lesbian has to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the rug over my eyes.

Look, lady, this is a free country. I personally believe that who or whatever you prefer to strip down to its underwear, cover in bubble bath and have a tickle-fight with is your own business. But, don’t insult me or my intelligence. And I would really appreciate it if you would finally return one of my phone calls and stop hiding behind cops and judges. That’s the kind of thing that makes me question your integrity.

No, you’re not a lesbian. You’re just a single, childless, nauseatingly unattractive woman over 40 who spends all her time with another hideously unattractive woman over 40 in a close relationship that nobody else would ever understand. Just like I’m not a bitter and paranoid writer in his 30’s with a website that is his only outlet for a harsh, critical and anti-social personality. I’m really a fucking Formula One race car driver.


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