17
Dec
10

JUST RELAX, BABY. IT’S ALL GOOD.

Admittedly, I’m not a scientist. But, I am going to offer scientific facts just the same. I’m not a military expert either but I’m going to go ahead and put that hat on as well. You might call that irresponsible. I, frankly, think it’s the kind of bravery and courage that makes this country great. So piss off, commie.

I’m not crazy about the government. However, it is a tool and it only makes sense to use it. For example, just about everyone on all sides of the political spectrum would agree that it is the role of government to protect us from threats like, oh I don’t know, a nuclear bomb. And they should probably put a little more effort into it than their recent advice in THE NEW YORK TIMES:

“Suppose the unthinkable happened, and terrorists struck New York or another big city with an atom bomb. What should people there do? The government has a surprising new message: Do not flee. Get inside any stable building and don’t come out till officials say it’s safe.”

There are basically two ways a nuclear weapon could be delivered: A ballistic missile or something transported by truck or even by a person. In either case you would have absolutely no warning before most of your city is vaporized. In fact, by the time you’ve managed to say “Holy Jesus! It’s a mushroom cloud! AAAAAAAGH!” you’d be dead.

The gamma rays released by a nuclear blast travel at the speed of light. If you can see the explosion you’re already being exposed to more radiation than Spock was at the end of WRATH OF KHAN. Next comes the heat. Thousands upon thousands of degrees of heat. Not to mention the shockwave that will topple buildings and leave a crater hundreds of feet deep.

“Even staying in a car, the studies show, would reduce casualties by more than 50 percent.”

Stay in the car? What the hell are you smoking? If your average Corolla or Festiva could stop a nuclear blast then, well, we wouldn’t be as worried about nuclear war. And my guess is that we wouldn’t have spent billions upon billions of dollars building the largest nuclear arsenal on earth if all our enemies had to do was hop in the nearest hatchback.

My own personal advice in the event of a nuclear cataclysm is to panic like there’s no tomorrow. I mean go totally apeshit. Break windows. Attack people. Steal stuff. I mean, really, when are you ever going to have an opportunity like that again?

Probably never. Because, ya’ know, you’ll be dead.

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