20
Dec
10

IN DEPTH: THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL RACE

Yeah. I know.

I’m doing something a little different this week. No, I’m not forsaking cheap and shockingly offensive visual humor for real political analysis. But, I am going to stick to a theme.

As I see it, there are four likely contenders for the Republican Party’s 2012 Presidential nomination. Each day I will be doing a piece on one of them and I will rate both their likelihood of winning the nomination and unseating the current President. I’ll also be taking a look at some of the lesser-known contenders.

Then there’s the Retard Factor.

The young lady in the picture above can’t help the way she was born. What’s notable about her is that despite whatever handicaps she came into this world with, she still strove to better herself.

By contrast, there are people in this country who have adopted views so divorced from reality that one can only describe them as having chosen retardation. They are, in effect, born-again retards. It’s easy to dismiss them as simple or stupid and laugh at them. I don’t. They are angry, motivated and organized. They are also not funny.

The Retard Factor has now become a standard to which any Republican with a realistic hope of being elected must measure up. It’s not just a lunatic fringe we can poke fun at. These people are already being elected at all levels of government.

How do you know you’re a born-again retard?

-You never finished high school but you think you know more about the origins of life on Earth than all the biologists, anthropologists, paleontologists and archaeologists in the world.

-You’re barely making ends meet, you work more than one job and yet your primary concern is that two men or two women should not be allowed to marry.

-You’ve never served in the military but you believe we should use military force to solve all our problems.

-You have like eight kids, are drowning in debt and live in squalor but you still think birth control and sex education are society’s greatest evils.

-You have lost your job, your house and all your savings but you still believe the free market should police itself without government regulation.

-You honestly believe that Barack Obama is a) a Muslim b) a Nazi c) a Communist d) a foreigner e) some kind of mythological beast with supernatural powers.

Obviously, there are going to be varying degrees of these views which is why I have created The Retard Index for each potential candidate. This is an equation combining their own personal level of retardation and their appeal to the born-again retard community.

Now, I’m going to go and get out all of my summer clothing because I’m pretty sure I’m going straight to Hell.

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