21
Dec
10

MIKE HUCKABEE: GOD’S LITTLE HELPER

Chances of winning the nomination: poor to fair

Chances of defeating Barack Obama: poor

Retard Index: 7.62

Not since Pat Buchanan entered New Hampshire in 1988 wearing a Daniel Boone hat and waving a rifle over his head has the ultra-conservative right fallen so madly in love with a candidate… only to completely abandon him halfway through the primaries for a moderate war hero.

Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas, has spent his entire national political career trying really goddamn hard to get people’s attention. He’s done all the right conservative things like shoot things, go to church and hate on the gays.

He also never misses an opportunity to point out that he is a former minister and once headed the Arkansas Southern Baptist Convention. In other words, yeah, he’s angry about a black guy in the White House too.

Huckabee carries some of the more bona fide social conservative credentials of the field. However, as in 2008, he lags far behind the others in fundraising and name recognition. And despite being backed by infomercial star Chuck Norris he still lacks a major political endorsement. Should he make it to the nomination, look for Obama to push him far to the right (not a hard thing to do) and then squash him with charisma.

There are also several other, not so intellectual reasons why a Huckabee candidacy is doomed from the start. Firstly, short guys never get elected to the Presidency (seriously, he’s like Tom Cruise’s height). Secondly, “Huckabee” falls into that category of name that most people can’t say without laughing to themselves. Like “Dukakis” or “Gephardt” it looks utterly asinine on a campaign sign let alone following the title of U.S. President.

He also lacks the charisma of others competing for the Jesus/racial hatred vote. Up close he looks like Mr. Spacely and sounds like Woody Allen. And you can tell from that goofy smile of his that he just doesn’t have it in him to get nasty in a campaign.

But, he is a pretty hardcore creationist so he’s probably on everyone’s shortlist for Secretary of Education.

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