22
Dec
10

MITT ROMNEY: 40 VIRGINS AND A MULE

Chances of winning the nomination: fair

Chances of beating Barack Obama: fair

Retard Index: 6.66

I have to admit that Mitt Romney is a tough nut to crack. And, full disclosure here, I know next to nothing about Mormonism. Granted, all the information I need is a mere keystroke away. But, in politics, what people believe is more important than what they know. Seriously, ask George Bush (not that one, the other one).

Romney enters the 2012 primary armed with a truly formidable fundraising operation and some pretty good name recognition. He’s liked by big business and adored by fiscal conservatives. He’s also one of the few GOP hopefuls with a decent head of hair.

Strangely, Romney’s toughest job has been, and will be, winning over the retard block of the party. The problem? He’s not retarded, he’s crazy. And the crazy/retard feud goes back all the way to prehistoric times when the Mormons forced their retard slaves to build Stonehenge.

Being crazy instead of retarded is what allowed Romney to get elected governor of Massachusetts and preside over the implementation of perhaps the most progressive healthcare system in America. His insanity is so well hidden, in fact, that people just throw money at him. Seriously, he’s worth like 200 million bucks (which is about $46.87 in Mormon dollars).

Should Romney seize the nomination I actually give him a fair chance of beating Obama. Romney has the ability to look and sound sane for long periods of time. And the more he talks about things like government spending and illegal immigrants the less people will think about his bulletproof underwear.

Look for him to anchor his eight arms to the center-right in the battle for Mitt-le Earth. If Obama is smart he’ll stake his claim to the center while Romney and the other Republican wannabes are trying to out-Fox each other. And it’s only inevitable that Romney will have to explain to people why the Mormons killed all those Jedi children on Coruscant.

Romney’s mask of sanity will eventually fall off, however. In fact I think he’s about one missed Luvox away from pulling out his ceremonial dagger and stabbing a black man.

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