Chances of winning the nomination: good to excellent

Chances of defeating Barack Obama: good

Retard Index: 0.09

If wealthy white conservatives had a gangster rapper it would be Newton Leroy Gingrich. And if he rolled up his shirt he would have “WHITE LIFE” tattooed on his stomach.

As I’ve said before, having a name like “Newt” is the greatest barrier a man can have between his penis and a woman’s vagina. And “Gingrich” sounds like something one gets when they don’t wash their testicles.

Okay. Now that all the toilet humor is out of the way, let’s get down to it.

Of all the people lining up to take on Barack Obama, Newtie Smalls is the man who could very well end up pulling it off. He has been circling the White House like a Great White (pun very much intended) for decades. Combined with the fact that he’s not getting any younger he finally seems ready to sharpen his fangs and go in for the kill.

And what a battle it will be. Ice Newt’s angle to grab the nomination is a good one: he’s going to keep sounding like “the sane one” in the hopes that whatever retard ale his party is drinking will wear off. And it might just work.

Newt Dogg himself only just barely tows the retard line. His whole thing is money and lots of it. In his world, rich people should be in charge and poor people should shut up and go to work at one of their five, underpaying jobs so they don’t have time to vote.

And the middle class? Ha ha ha ha! You don’t exist in his world. You’re an illusion. A mirage on the distant sands of the capitalist desert. And yet many of you will vote for him anyway because of the gays. And the blacks. And the gay blacks. Whatever. Sure.

Obama will have to rely exclusively on his charm and personality, weapons which should not be underestimated in a national political campaign. Look at George Bush (not that one, the other one). Charisma is Newtpac’s Achilles’ heel in that he has absolutely none. In fact I think he’s actually got a personality deficit.

Yet if he can get just enough paranoid, xenophobic and angry white people behind him he could take the top spot. And then our President won’t sound like a foreigner, he’ll sound like a fungus.

But we won’t have time to laugh about that. Walmart opens early and that’s where we’ll all end up working.


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