Sports fans have their own fantasy leagues in which they create imaginary matchups with their favorite athletes. So, it’s only fair that people who study human conflict have the same thing in which they pit different nations against one another.

Hey, it’s a slow news day. And, as an American, I pretty much view the rest of the world as being there solely for my entertainment.

Were it geographically possible, there are a number of countries that I would love to see go head-to-head Mortal Kombat style. So without further ado here is my Fantasy Global Kombat League. FIGHT!


After a half-century of bulldozing Palestinian apartment buildings and bullying their neighbors, the Israelis deserve an opponent every bit as batshit crazy and trigger happy as they are. Enter the dragons. 25 million of them, armed to the teeth and brainwashed to the hilt by Dear Leader. The winner will be rewarded with a decent fashion sense and edible cuisine.


In this corner: cocaine-fueled narco-guerillas. In the other corner: opium-sedated mujahedeen. This is going to be the speedball of all battles. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Stinger missiles and all the hair care products they can carry.


These two deserve each other. They really do. Both are failed states. Both have yet to win a war. And they each use Adidas running suits as military uniforms. Blind ethnic hatred meets Khat-fueled anarchy. The winner goes to Disneyland. Forever.


Other than sharing the same goiter-shaped land mass, I’m sure these two countries have lots of differences. But, I have no idea what they are. I know that Norway makes hand cream and Sweden has a bikini team. There’s cheese involved. Hell, maybe they wouldn’t even fight each other. Maybe they’d just stand there going “Hello, Sven. I just bought a Volvo. Let’s eat some herring.”


Crazy is as crazy does. There are more bullets in Texas than just about anywhere else on the planet. There are more eager suicide warriors in Iran than anywhere in history. Both have shocking levels of illiteracy. Yeah, I want front row seats for this one. And the really cool thing is that no matter who loses the rest of humanity pretty much wins.


I know there are no people in Antarctica. Yet somehow I see Poland putting up one hell of a fight before being beaten.


1 Response to “FINISH HIM!”

  1. January 3, 2011 at 9:33 PM


    This is just the kind of irresponsible blogging that I use my talents to expose everyday. Your words are potential bullets the like that have started wars. This blog is the metaphorical shot at Duke Ferdinand. I can only hope – along with the rest of the WORLD – that you missed the Duke and averted World War 3. Might I suggest that you visit my blog (chadblogsaboutit.blogspot.com), my YouTube channel (YouTube.com/ChadTheBlogger), or follow me on twitter (@ChadBlog) as examples of how to purvey the TRUTH.

    Call me!

    Chad Pedersen

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