20
Jan
11

IT VOTES FOR RICK SANTORUM OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Chances of winning the nomination: poor to fair

Chances of beating Barack Obama: poor

Retard Index: 7.77

They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I say you should. Always. Same goes for movies, magazines, CD’s and people. Let’s face it, if the cover sucks you’re not buying it. If the cover creeps the hell out of you then you’re probably not going to sleep with it or support it for elected office.

There are some people in this world that were you to see them on the street you would instinctively draw a handgun and shout “Freeze! Let the little girl go and put your hands on your head! Now! Do it now! Run, honey, go get help!”

Take, for example, the Boo Radley of Conservative politics: former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. When he’s not sewing himself a woman-suit from the flesh of his kidnap victims he’s usually out advocating for the usual right wing stuff like war, forced pregnancy and xenophobia. And he’s a Catholic which means he does all kinds of… Catholic stuff. There’s also this little gem he recently gave an interviewer with the Christian News Service (yeah, I don’t know who the hell they are either):

Santorum’s only hope of seizing the nomination is to eat the livers of all his opponents with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Then again, having bodies decomposing in your bathtub and swastikas on your bedsheets is considered quite folksy in today’s GOP. Anything to make the lambs stop screaming I guess.

But, even then, his best hope of defeating Barack Obama is to chase him around in the dark with a pair of night vision goggles. Coupled with the fact that his wife is no size 14, well, the chances of him landing the VP spot are pretty remote as well. The odds are that, like Sarah Palin, his real future lies in giving political analysis on Fox News and skinning his humps in the basement.

Now, put the fucking lotion in the basket!

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2 Responses to “IT VOTES FOR RICK SANTORUM OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN”


  1. 1 Ra
    January 25, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    I believe there was a moment when getting “santorumed” was a despicable sexual act…correct me if I’m wrong.


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