Archive for February, 2011

28
Feb
11

THIS HAS SUCCESS WRITTEN ALL OVER IT

As I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself buying less and less into conspiracy theories. They make interesting reading and interesting movies. But, real life is just not that complicated. Second gunmen. Grassy knolls. Missiles flying into buildings. Missing witnesses. Missing photographs. It just gives me a headache.

One only has to look at conspiracies which have failed to get a sense at how unlikely it is that any of them succeeded. Watergate. The Pentagon Papers. Iran-Contra. These originated at the highest levels of secrecy and became public knowledge in about ten minutes. So don’t kid yourself when it comes to missing alien corpses or blurry figures in 40-year-old photographs.

Most people, however, know very little about this particular conspiracy theory or the raving lunatic at the center of it.

“More than four decades after Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated, his convicted murderer wants to go free for a crime he says he can’t remember.

“There is no doubt he does not remember the critical events,” said William F. Pepper, the attorney who will argue for Sirhan’s parole Wednesday. “He is not feigning it. It’s not an act. He does not remember it.”

Pepper also suggests Sirhan was “hypno-programmed,” turning him into a virtual “Manchurian Candidate,” acting robot-like at the behest of evil forces who then wiped his memory clean. It’s the stuff of science fiction and Hollywood movies, but some believe it is the key.” – MSNBC

Assassins should be named “Lex” or “Samson”. “Sirhan Sirhan” sounds like the kid who got beat up a lot for being good at ballet. Or the gay prince in a Shakespeare play.

What’s more, I don’t remember half the shit I’ve done and I still got in trouble for it. If saying I don’t remember parking in a handicapped spot won’t get me out of a ticket then the same excuse should not work when it comes to shooting someone.

Okay, so let’s suspend our disbelief and enter the fantasy world of criminal defense and conspiracy theory. Let’s say he really doesn’t remember killing Bobby Kennedy. Let’s say someone did hypnotize him to be an assassin.

That makes him even more dangerous. Anyone who can be talked into killing someone by a calm voice and some fucking incense is a goddamn menace to society. Frankly, if they let this clown out of jail I’m going to find him and talk him into beating the crap out of my old landlord or exposing himself to some old girlfriends. Maybe have him shoplift me a new DVD player.

On second thought this is a great idea. Welcome back to society, Sirhan Sirhan. Now listen carefully to the sound of my voice…

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25
Feb
11

YEAH, I REMEMBER REAGAN TOO

Ronald Reagan. Jesus H. Christ. Okay, well, let’s get it over with. Like Adolph Hitler, whenever his name is brought up in the course of a political debate you know the dialogue has gone right down the toilet.

I was born in 1974. One of my earliest memories is the hostage crisis in Iran unfolding during the Carter Administration. I remember exactly where I was the day Reagan was shot. I remember his address to the nation when the Challenger exploded. And I remember everything in between with a horrific clarity that sometimes makes me strip naked, slather my body with margarine and roll around on the floor humming the theme music to BUCK ROGERS. Yeah, I’ve had it rough. Don’t you judge me.

These days it seems Republicans are competing amongst themselves not for campaign cash or the Presidential Nomination, but for the claim to Reagan’s legacy. And not since Sauron’s finger got cut off have I seen such a band of freaks and weirdos battle for something so dark and insidious. Suffice to say I have a different take on Reagan. No shit, right?

The only thing Ronald Reagan genuinely did was to make the phrase “I do not recall” common parlance in political discourse. And in his case, well, the old man meant it. By the end of his Presidency he was having trouble finding his shoes let alone money for hostages.

Reagan is remembered so fondly by conservatives because he is the only conservative President in the last 60 years who is not viewed negatively by history. They are desperate to recreate his magic because without it, well, they’re fucked. In that sense, and if you can buy into some truly time warping logic, Ronald Reagan is the Republican Bill Clinton.

Nixon? Lawbreaking asshole. Bush (not that one)? Elitist rich asshole. Bush (yeah, that one)? God boy maniac retard. And an asshole.

And then there’s the part that everyone seems to forget: Reagan was a fucking actor.

An actor’s job is to stand where he’s told. Say what he’s told to say. Smile on cue. Act angry on cue. Act concerned on cue. They don’t think. They don’t innovate. And they certainly don’t wake up one morning realizing they have a burning desire for public service and the political acumen to reshape the free world for generations to come.

Ronald Reagan was merely the face of the “Reagan Years”. He was the salesman. The guy on the poster. The one-dimensional robot programmed to carry out an agenda and sell it to the very people it was going to screw over. The person who sold you your last used car has more in common with Ronald Reagan than any Republican currently serving in office.

But, hey, don’t take my word for it. I’m just an asshole with a website. You go right ahead and keep electing guys like Scott Walker to public office. Something tells me that Reagan’s real legacy is going to be alive and well for a long time to come.

24
Feb
11

YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY… AND CONSERVATIVE…

Less than a year after derailing the career of General Stanley McChrystal, ROLLING STONE has once again turned over an ugly rock inside of our military. In a story running this month they go into detail about how the military used “Psy-Ops” on visiting U.S. Senators, Congressmen and other civilian leaders in Afghanistan.

Why? It’s the Army. They sure as hell weren’t trying to get James Carville’s gumbo recipe. Rather, it seems, they want more money and resources to pour into a hopeless and unpopular war.

I tell you, things have really changed since Vietnam.

“The orders came from the command of Lt. Gen. William Caldwell, a three-star general in charge of training Afghan troops – the linchpin of U.S. strategy in the war. Over a four-month period last year, a military cell devoted to what is known as “information operations” at Camp Eggers in Kabul was repeatedly pressured to target visiting senators and other VIPs who met with Caldwell. When the unit resisted the order, arguing that it violated U.S. laws prohibiting the use of propaganda against American citizens, it was subjected to a campaign of retaliation.” – ROLLING STONE

I’m astounded that a few hemp-wearing lefties from Rolling Stone magazine can repeatedly penetrate the secrecy of the U.S. Military. And, do it with more effectiveness than the militaries of our enemies. Then again, Rolling Stone has a very effective Psy-Ops unit of its own. For some reason when people talk to them they just can’t shut up.

What’s more I’m kind of confused as to why the military even felt this was necessary. Especially when you consider who they were targeting. ROLLING STONE goes on to say:

“The list of targeted visitors was long, according to interviews with members of the IO team and internal documents obtained by Rolling Stone. Those singled out in the campaign included senators John McCain, Joe Lieberman, Jack Reed, Al Franken and Carl Levin; Rep. Steve Israel of the House Appropriations Committee; Adm. Mike Mullen of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; the Czech ambassador to Afghanistan; the German interior minister, and a host of influential think-tank analysts.”

Firstly, you don’t need to hypnotize John McCain or Joe Lieberman into giving the military more money or leeway to blow shit up. Lieberman guns down six people every morning and McCain was already programmed by the North Vietnamese and Angela Lansbury.

Personally, if I were running this unit I would put it to far better use. Like making women take their clothes off or getting Justin Bieber to hop in a bathtub with a toaster. But then, this is probably why I don’t have The Force or any superpowers. I would be a complete jerk. Nobody would be safe.

And I suppose you would spend your time protecting the innocent and fighting evil. Fucking loser.

23
Feb
11

THIS WAS A GOOD USE OF RESOURCES

As a general rule I usually stay away from the top story of the day on this site. You don’t need me for that. Although I’m not entirely sure what you do need me for. But, it’s probably a sexual thing. Story of my life.

Anyway, right now the big story in America is the national debate over government spending. So in that spirit I thought I would demonstrate how the actions of a few complete morons can end up costing the rest of us millions.

“US special forces have stormed a yacht hijacked by Somali pirates after four American hostages were shot dead, the US military said. They are the first Americans to be killed since hostage-taking by Somali pirates became rife. The yacht’s two owners had been sailing round the world distributing Bibles, accompanied by two holidaymakers.

According to the US military, a special forces team boarded the hijacked yacht, the Quest, on Tuesday after they heard shots fired and after the pirates had launched a rocket-propelled grenade at a naval ship. One pirate was shot dead and another killed with a knife in hand-to-hand combat.

The military said US forces had been monitoring the Quest for about three days. Four US navy warships were involved, including an aircraft carrier.” – THE GUARDIAN

Not that I’m a beacon of good taste, but I believe I can make my point without bashing the dead. Nevertheless I am going to anyway. Hey, sue me.

What in the hell is wrong with you? You’re a bunch of fucking white people sailing around the Horn of Africa distributing Bibles. If getting killed was your goal, and I’m assuming it was because the only other alternative is that you have a retarded understanding of your own mortality, you could have done it without leaving the house. And without involving the US Navy. Or the American taxpayer.

In the end, this little joyride for Jesus came at a hefty price. Probably tens, if not hundreds, of millions of dollars. Special Forces? An aircraft carrier? That shit isn’t cheap, my friend. And all because these dipshits couldn’t stay home and watch THE 700 CLUB like every other religious nut in America.

Of course anyone who actually tries to fire a rocket-propelled grenade at a US missile destroyer isn’t exactly on the shortlist for admission to Harvard either. In the end,  idiots attract other idiots. I call it the “physics of stupidity”.

22
Feb
11

ALAS POOR FREEDOM… WE KNEW YE WELL…

Say hello to Oregon Congressman Greg Walden… while you can. If he has his way (along with the rest of the Republican Party) the internet will become such a censored arena that you’ll likely never know what your government is really up to again. But, you’ll be able to read plenty of Fox Sports and shop on Walmart’s website! Hooray!

“With a 244-181 vote on Thursday, Republican leaders succeeded in attaching an amendment to a sweeping spending bill that would bar the FCC from using government money to implement its new “network neutrality” regulations. The rules prohibit phone and cable companies from favoring or discriminating against Internet content and services, including online calling services like Skype and Web video services like Netflix that could compete with their core operations.

Republican Rep. Greg Walden, the sponsor of the spending bill amendment and chairman of the House Commerce Subcommittee on Communications and Technology, said his measure is “about keeping the government out of the business of running the Internet.” The new FCC rules require broadband providers to let subscribers access all legal online content, applications and services over their wired networks.” – MSNBC

Just as an aside, I have always found it outrageous that people in congress can just attach totally unrelated items to other bills. I mean, how about if the next time I file my taxes I attach a bill to the government for the damage to my car from all the potholes on the interstate they should have fixed? Or when I pay my phone bill I attach a binding contract that says by cashing my check the phone company agrees to send me blow and hookers every month?

None of this would work, of course. In conservative-land workers and consumers are mere sheeple. Chattle. Breathing, sweating and spending piles of organs lashed up to a giant machine like Keanu Reeves in THE MATRIX. We don’t have those kinds of rights.

Did I say “rights”? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I’m sorry. My, I am getting silly today, aren’t I? Verizon has rights. So does Bank of America. And I’m pretty sure the first time Greg Walden gets fucked over by his credit card company or his mortgage lender, he’ll have rights too.

If you ask me (and I’m assuming you did because otherwise why are you reading my website?) we are seeing the soul of the modern Republican Party on display these days. Be it attempts to turn the internet into a vast commercial wasteland or Governor Mubarak’s efforts to turn Wisconsin into China, I’m left more baffled now than I ever was as to why people put these clowns into office.

Hey, there’s a sale at Penney’s!

21
Feb
11

HAPPY PRESIDENT’S DAY, ASSHOLE

Having grown up in the 1980’s I am all too familiar with Colonel Mumar Khaddafi, the Gene Simmons impersonator who runs the country of Libya. Before we had Saddam Hussein as our official villain in the 1990’s we had this walking jheri curl commercial to contend with.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s no lightweight. Ghaddaphi pretty much put the “international” in terrorism. Among other things he’s believed to be responsible for the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988 killing 270 people in total. He’s believed also to be behind the bombing of a West Berlin nightclub in 1986 which was frequented by U.S. servicemen.

And he also ordered the hijacking of another Pan Am flight in 1986 to retaliate for a U.S. air strike that killed his nine-year-old daughter.

And now, as waves of protests ripple through North Africa and the Middle East following the ouster of Egyptian President Hosni “The Backhoe” Mubarak, Quadaffi finds himself facing down a popular insurrection after nearly 40 years of rule. Although it seems his grip on power may not be nearly as firm as the grip of that fez on his head.

“Two Libyan Air Force fighter pilots defected on Monday and flew their jets to Malta where they told authorities they had been ordered to bomb protesters, Maltese government officials said.

They said the two pilots, both colonels, took off from a base near Tripoli. One of them has requested political asylum. The pilots are being questioned by the Maltese police.

The two said they decided to fly to Malta after being ordered to bomb anti-government protesters in Libya’s second largest city of Benghazi, the sources said.” – REUTERS

So, yeah, Happy President’s Day. And for those of you pissing and whining about government workers and the days off they get, just be glad none of them have been ordered to drop fucking napalm on you. And be glad that the men we take today to honor aren’t a bunch of two-bit military dictators who hijack airliners and blow up nightclubs and order military force be used against their own people.

But, above all, just be glad you live in America. Not Libya.

18
Feb
11

HEY, AT LEAST IT’S NOT A FLAMING HOLE IN THE GROUND…

Ever since my brother-in-law turned me onto this story a few months back I’ve been dying to use it. And it’s Friday and there’s really nothing else going on so I thought what the hell. Let’s have some fun.

One of my favorite hobbies is studying the various accidents and disasters caused in the old Soviet Union. It really is a treasure trove of idiocy and incompetence that virtually obscures those times when the old USSR actually did something well. There’s a famous story about the space race when NASA spent thousands and thousands of dollars developing a pen that could write in zero gravity. The Russians used a pencil. And the old boys were giving Hitler a good ass-kicking back when everyone else on the planet was wetting their pants.

Then you come across something like this little tidbit from the village of Darvaza in the former Soviet Republic of Turkmenistan:

“While drilling in 1971, geologists tapped into a cavern filled with natural gas. The ground beneath the drilling rig collapsed, leaving a large hole with a diameter of about 70 metres (230 ft). To avoid poisonous gas discharge, it was decided to be burned off. Geologists had hoped the fire would use all the fuel in a matter of days, but the gas still burns almost 40 years later. Locals have dubbed the cavern “The Door to Hell” – WIKIPEDIA

I suppose this could be a harsh reality tale about the misuse of natural resources. Or, it could be a scathing reminder of just how infantile human technology and understanding is. I suppose it could even be a cool place to have a Black Sabbath concert.

I prefer to look at it this way: whenever someone in America pisses and moans and gets their teeny little panties in a bunch about government projects, you can always respond by saying “Hey, at least it’s not a flaming hole in the ground.” Or you can just ignore them, which is what I usually do. Well, first I point at them and start screeching like Donald Sutherland at the end of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Then I ignore them.

For me, personally, I plan on using this phrase to respond to all manner of problems in daily life. My bank account is overdrawn? Well, hey, at least it’s not a flaming hole in the ground. The light was red? Hey, at least it’s not a flaming hole in the ground. She was only 16? Hey, at least it’s not a flaming hole in the ground.

I love it when human civilization sets the bar of expectations ever lower. It allows me to get away with shit I could never pull off if we lived in a world where we had cured all known diseases or had achieved world peace or colonized the solar system. So the next time you fuck up at work or piss off your spouse or hold the cops at bay with an assault rifle you can always know that at least you didn’t light a massive underground cavern of natural gas on fire and let it burn for four decades.