01
Feb
11

AMERICA IS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD… PROBABLY

PRAVDA took a rare break from anti-Western paranoia and bad grammar today to publish a story about an asteroid named Apophis which, apparently, is going to hit the Earth 2036 and kill everybody.

“The trajectory of Apophis has created a split in the international scientific community: the Russians and Europeans are increasingly concerned, while NASA astronomers play down the chances of a collision. Whatever the case, what is the plan in the event of a catastrophic strike, a repeat of the Yucatan asteroid impact 65 million years ago which wiped out most of the larger species on Earth?

To be succinct, there isn’t one. Russia and the European Union will launch a joint asteroid project in a meeting to be held on July 7, 2011, between the European Commission and scientists and engineers from the Russian Federal Space Agency, the Russian Academy of Sciences and representatives of other scientific and civil Institutions.”

Apophis is derived from the Greek word for Apop, the Egyptian God known as “The Uncreator”. Discovered in 2004, it startled the scientific community because someone with a calculator realized it would eventually hit us.

Propaganda is the first line of attack in any conflict, so we shouldn’t call this thing a name like “The Uncreator” which scares the shit out of everyone. We should call it “The Wimp Rock” or the “Moron Meteor” and then run stories questioning its sexual orientation.

Secondly, and this is just my opinion (and being that this is my site, my opinion is all you’ll get. And you’ll like it) but it amazes me that we are only now just figuring out what to do if a giant flying rock smashes into the planet. You would think by now that we would have figured out how to give the Earth engines so it could fly around like the little triangle ship in the old ASTEROIDS arcade game. But, no, we’re too busy making iPhones and cars that park themselves. Admittedly, though, the best and only thing to do when faced with certain Armageddon is to put a lampshade over your head, throw back a bottle of scotch and expose yourself to a playground full of children. Shit man, that’s what I plan on doing.

Finally, the Russians and the Europeans can sit around talking all they want. When Earth is threatened it’s usually America and America alone who has the capability to put a stop to it. Half the shit Russia puts into space blows up or crashes. And the closest thing the Europeans have to a space program is Doctor Who.

And it goes without saying that we should include Bruce Willis on this mission. Whenever the planet is in trouble, Bruce Willis is the man to turn to. I know, I know. He’s retired. Well we’ll just have to get him to come out of retirement. He may think he’s out but we’ll pull him right back in.

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1 Response to “AMERICA IS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD… PROBABLY”


  1. February 26, 2011 at 8:42 AM

    You state: “Propaganda is the first line of attack in any conflict, so we shouldn’t call this thing a name like “The Uncreator” which scares the shit out of everyone. We should call it “The Wimp Rock” or the “Moron Meteor” and then run stories questioning its sexual orientation.”

    Is this the responsible thing to do. What if these allegations are not true? Doesn’t the TRUTH matter? While I agree one should not create hysteria, should one throw integrity in to the trash in the process? Something to think about…


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