Three American hikers arrested near the Iranian border are going on trial this week. Legal proceedings in Iran are far less technical than they are in Western countries. Usually, the accused are strapped to a giant spinning wheel with the words “GUILTY” and “SOMEWHAT GUILTY” printed on it. Then a guy in a top hat with a blindfold hurls knives at them.

In the end some guy in a robe says something about Allah and they hang everyone. Or stone them. Then at some point a big crowd burns American and Israeli flags. And some Iranian diplomat says something about the Holocaust being a myth.

“The group was arrested in July 2009 while hiking in northern Iraq’s Kurdistan region, near the Iranian border. They are accused of crossing the border illegally, but say that if they did so, it was by accident.

The charge of espionage, which can carry a death sentence, was added later. The US has repeatedly said there is no basis for the trial and has called on Iran to release Mr Bauer and Mr Fattal.” – BBC NEWS

Firstly, you’re not the fucking Beastie Boys so I really don’t get the picture.

Secondly, it really disappoints me that the three dumbest people this species has ever produced are Americans. I knew they wouldn’t be Polish because that’s far too on-the-nose. French, maybe. Russians were a good bet too. Personally, my money was on the Afghans. Those people are dumber than a bag of hammers.

On what grounds do I consider them stupid? THEY WERE HIKING IN IRAQ. Adding that they “accidentally” wandered into Iran doesn’t make it sound like a mistake anyone could make. That’s like saying you were driving through the streets of Detroit with a giant “RAP SUCKS” sign on your car and you “accidentally” parked in front of Eminem’s house.

Thirdly, it’s quite a stretch to call these three balloon heads “spies”. Yeah, because that’s how our spy agencies think. “Shit, we need intel on Iran. Let’s dress up three of the whitest people we can find like hikers and have them go take a look. If they get caught, I’m sure the Iranians will just assume they’re harmless college kids or models for an LL Bean photo shoot who lost their way”.

And yet, I keep going back to the “hiking in Iraq” part and suddenly the Iranians don’t seem like the dumb ones.



  1. October 1, 2011 at 3:13 PM

    LOL. Hiking in Iraq with no gps…, and did the media ever find out who paid their bail? You’re right about the bag of hammers.

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