As I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself buying less and less into conspiracy theories. They make interesting reading and interesting movies. But, real life is just not that complicated. Second gunmen. Grassy knolls. Missiles flying into buildings. Missing witnesses. Missing photographs. It just gives me a headache.

One only has to look at conspiracies which have failed to get a sense at how unlikely it is that any of them succeeded. Watergate. The Pentagon Papers. Iran-Contra. These originated at the highest levels of secrecy and became public knowledge in about ten minutes. So don’t kid yourself when it comes to missing alien corpses or blurry figures in 40-year-old photographs.

Most people, however, know very little about this particular conspiracy theory or the raving lunatic at the center of it.

“More than four decades after Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated, his convicted murderer wants to go free for a crime he says he can’t remember.

“There is no doubt he does not remember the critical events,” said William F. Pepper, the attorney who will argue for Sirhan’s parole Wednesday. “He is not feigning it. It’s not an act. He does not remember it.”

Pepper also suggests Sirhan was “hypno-programmed,” turning him into a virtual “Manchurian Candidate,” acting robot-like at the behest of evil forces who then wiped his memory clean. It’s the stuff of science fiction and Hollywood movies, but some believe it is the key.” – MSNBC

Assassins should be named “Lex” or “Samson”. “Sirhan Sirhan” sounds like the kid who got beat up a lot for being good at ballet. Or the gay prince in a Shakespeare play.

What’s more, I don’t remember half the shit I’ve done and I still got in trouble for it. If saying I don’t remember parking in a handicapped spot won’t get me out of a ticket then the same excuse should not work when it comes to shooting someone.

Okay, so let’s suspend our disbelief and enter the fantasy world of criminal defense and conspiracy theory. Let’s say he really doesn’t remember killing Bobby Kennedy. Let’s say someone did hypnotize him to be an assassin.

That makes him even more dangerous. Anyone who can be talked into killing someone by a calm voice and some fucking incense is a goddamn menace to society. Frankly, if they let this clown out of jail I’m going to find him and talk him into beating the crap out of my old landlord or exposing himself to some old girlfriends. Maybe have him shoplift me a new DVD player.

On second thought this is a great idea. Welcome back to society, Sirhan Sirhan. Now listen carefully to the sound of my voice…



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