04
Mar
11

SPIDERS ARE TRYING TO KILL US ALL

I really wanted to write about Mike Huckabee’s comments regarding Natalie Portman and her unmarried devil child today. Then, something strange happened. I was sitting on the toilet this morning listening to my life tick away one second at a time. It dawned on me that I would never get those seconds back. And I had wasted them thinking about Mike Huckabee and Natalie Portman. I could have been thinking about ninjas or vaginas or spaceships.

Better yet, I could have been thinking about this:

“Japanese carmaker Mazda has announced it is recalling 65,000 cars in North and Central America because of concerns over spiders in the fuel system. A Mazda spokesman said dealers had found 20 cases where webs of yellow sac spiders were found in a vent line.

About 50,000 Mazda6 vehicles from the 2009-10 model years are being recalled in the United States, with another 15,000 in Canada, Mexico and Puerto Rico.

Mazda spokesman Jeremy Barnes said it was not clear why the yellow sac spider liked to build nests in the Mazda6. “Perhaps yellow sac spiders like to go zoom-zoom?” he joked, referring to Mazda’s advertising slogan for the car.” – BBC NEWS

That’s good. That’s very good. Perhaps the fucking spider likes to go “Bite, bite- heart stoppy stoppy”.

“Their venom is necrotic and can cause a small lesion in humans. Because of the necrotic nature of the wound, MRSA infection is a danger and victims are advised to seek medical treatment.” – WIKIPEDIA

Maybe it’s just me (and I’m totally open to the possibility that it is) but I think the solution is two-fold. Firstly, nobody should ever buy a Mazda ever again. The company should be closed. All Mazdas, and I do mean all of them, should be recalled and launched directly into the sun. Finally, all references to Mazda in media and written history should be erased.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we need to kill every fucking spider on the planet. I believe all nations and peoples could unite under this banner. The whole of humankind could come together and just kill every last goddamn one of these things.

Now, some of you will throw around arguments like “extinction of a species is wrong” or “spiders are a necessary part of the ecosystem.” Go right ahead, hippie. I’ll come right back with my own arguments like “Kingdom of the Spiders” and “Arachnophobia”. Better yet, take another look at that picture and tell me you don’t have the urge to grab a flamethrower. I don’t give a shit if spiders cure every disease known to man. It’s us or them.

 

-UPDATE-

*I’m just kind of curious about why so many people (like hundreds) keep coming to this particular post each day. Are you guys just looking for spiders and Google keeps sending you here? I’m not complaining or anything. Just curious. Feel free to email me at FullAutoShotgun@gmail.com and let me know.

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6 Responses to “SPIDERS ARE TRYING TO KILL US ALL”


  1. June 7, 2013 at 8:33 PM

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  2. 2 Anonymous
    May 24, 2012 at 3:51 PM

    Jeg syntes da bare at i er nogle røvhuller

  3. 3 Anonymous
    March 28, 2012 at 12:49 PM

    not so scary


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