10
Mar
11

MICHELE BACHMANN: THE OTHER CRAZY WHITE CHICK

Chances of winning the nomination: I have no idea

Chances of beating Barack Obama: Knock yourself out, honey

Retard index: 9.76


I’d like to see Michele Bachmann naked. Like degradingly naked. Not softcore Playboy crap. I mean in handcuffs pleasuring a mule and riding a sybian naked. The kind of thing that, when you download it to your computer, the FBI is immediately alerted.

As intellectually repulsive as I find her I bet she’s a demon in the sack. Like porn star crazy. I’ve always imagined her mounting me, whipping her hair to the side and opening her eyes all the way like she’s possessed and screaming “How old is the Earth, Magnus? How old is the Earth? SAY IT! SAY IT!” And in that moment of sexual release I scream back “LESS THAN 10,000 YEARS! GOD PUT DINOSAUR BONES IN THE DIRT TO TEST OUR FAITH!”

Afterward, I’d feel dirty. Real dirty.

Before Sarah Palin was the Sarah Palin of the Republican Party, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was on her way to being Sarah Palin. Or something like that. But, much like Pearl Jam overshadowed the much older Stone Temple Pilots in the 1990’s (and STP were forever labeled as ripoffs) Bachmann finds herself playing the role of “that other white Republican chick”. Just like any serial killer who had the misfortune of being caught after Jeffrey Dahmer was.

I don’t know what any of this means exactly. I keep going back to the imagery of me bending her over a pool table and spanking her with a ping pong paddle while she confesses to how she secretly gets turned on by Friedrich Engels. Then out comes the “The Tormentor” and a jar of Vaseline…

Fuck, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Serious political stuff. Goodbye erection, I’ll see you around lunchtime when I watch Rachel Maddow and listen to old Slayer albums. Jesus Christ, I’m a monster.

Bachmann has visited Iowa more times than a drought. And it’s not much of a surprise that she’s looking to run for President. And the Tea Party seems to be warming up to her as the new Sarah Palin as opposed to the old one. Which was also her. Before the actual Sarah Palin came around. And while she doesn’t bring a whole lot of brains or charisma or political acumen to the table, she does have the advantage of not being a black man. In Republican politics that will get you a lot farther than you think. Just ask Mitt Romney.

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