11
Mar
11

FROM THE DESK OF MAGNUS GREEL

It’s Friday. I’d kind of like to start doing something different on Fridays. In the coming weeks you can expect a more multimedia experience here at Magnus Greel. Starting with prank phone calls. Later will come the very first Greelcast featuring yours truly and some of my hoodlum friends. So, you know, you have that to look forward to.

In the meantime, I found this story on REUTERS this morning:

“U.S. health authorities will take over supervision of three Johnson & Johnson (JNJ.N) manufacturing plants after the healthcare giant failed to stem a flood of recalls for consumer medicines like its Tylenol painkiller. J&J said two company executives were named as defendants in the consent decree. They are Veronica Cruz, vice president of quality at J&J’s McNeil Consumer Healthcare unit, and Hakan Erdemir, vice president of operations at McNeil.

“This is a strong, but necessary, step to ensure that the products manufactured by this company meet federal standards for quality, safety and purity,” Deborah Autor, head of compliance in the FDA’s drug division, said in a statement. Some of the lapses led to metal particles entering liquid medicines, and also included mislabeling and moldy odors.”

I could go on and on about how people who wears suits and ties to work are trying to steal your money and kill your mother. And your pets. And burn your house down. But, you’ve heard that little jingle from me before. Time to change the music. So I’m going into the vault and bringing out the first in a series of letters I wrote a few years back, one of them to the very same Johnson & Johnson which is so inept they can’t put the right label on a pack of fucking Rolaids.

“January 24, 2006

 

Johnson & Johnson

ATT: LEGAL DEPARTMENT

One Johnson & Johnson Plaza

New Brunswick, NJ  08933

 

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a lifelong user of your products.  Indeed, as a child no product name brought more trust and reliability to my household than that of Johnson & Johnson.  From Q-tips to laxatives, from toothbrushes to rectal thermometers, you are a company with a long and proud history behind you.

Recently, however, I have been met with nothing short of total dissatisfaction regarding one of your products.

In short, two weeks ago I purchased a bottle of your Polish Remover from my local convenience store.  This product not only fails to meet its requirements under the Fairness in Advertising Act but also is a blatant lie with regard to its intended and purported use.  I might also add that the instructions contained on the bottle are simply unrealistic and effectively irrelevant.

I have now purchased and used 11 bottles of your Polish Remover and have been unable to extricate Harry and Edith Krakowski from the apartment next to mine.  My first attempt involved spraying a mixture of the remover and water into their face and eyes.  This only seemed to produce mild irritation and some blistering of the skin.  Later, I tried this method again using pure Polish Remover and although I succeeded in blinding both of them, they have by no means been removed.

Thinking that I was simply using the product incorrectly, I then applied the remover to their drinking water, their food and later used a syringe to directly inject your product into their bloodstreams.  These efforts have all ended in failure.  Granted, both Harry and Edith have spent a considerable amount of time in the hospital as a result, but again I would hesitate to call this “removal”.

As you can imagine, I am now involved in several criminal and civil proceedings with the Krakowski family (neither of which I feel I should be financially responsible for- but that’s another letter for another time).  Given that both Harry and Edith are now blind and partially brain-damaged, their five children have moved back into the apartment to take care of them.  Rather than remove the Polish, your product would seem to have increased the number of Polish now living next door to me.  I cannot adequately convey my unhappiness with this situation.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss possible legal, financial and emotional remedies to this current problem.

 

Best Regards,

XXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXX

Cell Block 6″

In case you were wondering, no. I never got a reply from them. They must have been too busy putting dangerous metals in your Benadryl and leaving Tylenol under the sink so it would get moldy.

Perhaps I’ll give them a call instead…

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