17
Mar
11

I’M NOT TIGER WOODS

When it comes to marketing, anything can be made to look hip and intense. For example Nike could make my masturbating habits look positively insane. I could start my own Wii franchise. I’d get an endorsement deal with Kleenex. Kids would have posters of me jacking off on their bedroom walls. I’d be huge.

Nobody makes my point better than Tiger Woods. I give all the credit in the world to whatever executive took this boring jackass and turned him into an international superstar. And what do you know, he’s a dad. And because he’s rich and plays golf his views on parenthood are very, very important. So important that CNN is running a PEOPLE MAGAZINE story on an appearance he made on GOOD MORNING AMERICA right alongside the nuclear apocalypse in Japan and the beginning of World War III in Libya.

Tiger Woods says he’s getting his life back on course – and that includes being present for his two children, daughter Sam, 3, and son Charlie, 2.

“It’s work, there’s no doubt,” the golfer, 35, speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America Thursday, said about single fatherhood. “It’s tough. But it’s enjoyable. That’s the work I love.”

Expanding upon that point, Woods said of his kids, “I just love being with them and seeing what they’re doing, what they’re capable of doing – the joys, just the shifts of interest. … It’s just fun. We have a great time together.”

Firstly, fuckstick, you play golf. Quit looking like you just had an orgasm. It’s probably a miracle you even stay awake for the whole game. Or match, or round or whatever the hell you call a completely wasted day running around chasing a little white ball like an idiot.

But, more importantly, go fuck yourself.

You’re a goddamn multi-millionaire. Life is good to you. You could get busted looking at child porn, lose a leg in a drunk driving accident and watch your entire family get blown away by terrorists. You’ll buy a house or an island and before you know it you’ll be fine. Stop trying to sound relatable. You suck and you know it.

This is why I hated reading THE GREAT GATSBY in high school. I don’t give a shit about rich people and their problems. I’d rather lose the love of my life and still have a massive fortune than just lose the love of my life and be staring at credit card bills. I had much more fun reading A TALE OF TWO CITIES which is about rich people being rounded up and beheaded.

Am I bitter? Sure. I’m Irish. And it’s St. Patrick’s Day which is my day to be bitter. And drunk. And if you had to eat corned beef and watch DARBY O’GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE today you’d be drunk and bitter too.

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