My religious friends are always asking me if I’m ever worried that I’m going to end up in hell for being an atheist. The answer is always no because I don’t believe in hell. See how easy that was? Gets them every time.

At that point I usually turn the conversation around and ask them if they’re ever worried that being religious is going to turn them into morbidly obese slobs, the very sight of whom would make the rest of society point and stare in utter disgust. They usually laugh and say no. That’s when I laugh back and say “Yeah, actually, it will.”

“…researchers at Northwestern University sought to find out how attending religious events affects weight gain over time. They analyzed data from the Coronary Artery Risk Development in Young Adults study, which followed more than 2,400 people aged 20 to 32 for 18 years. Over that time, the scientists reported at an American Heart Association conference, people who went to church or church activities at least once a week were more than twice as likely as people with no religious involvement to become obese.” – TIME

I’m not sure that having spiritual beliefs is what makes you morbidly obese. I’m guessing it has more to do with spending your life perched on a throne of arrogance and self-deception. That thing is hard to get down from and man is it comfy. And while it’s probably healthier to get down and seek more logical, rational solutions to life’s problems it’s much easier to reach for the Doritos and the remote. Maybe crack a cold one.

Not that I’m a model of healthy living. And I’m not completely unreligious. As it happens there are a few tribes in South America which worship me as a deity. It pretty much stems from an incident one spring break, years ago, when I got drunk and brought a VCR to their village and showed them hours and hours of pornography. Then I let off some fireworks and told them I was the god of thunder and lightning. Hey, there’s a reason I don’t drink Everclear anymore.

I go down there several times a year with the honest intention of bringing them science and education. Then they give me their women and all the food I can eat. And they make war on their neighbors in my name. And then they give me all of their women and all of their food. Long story short, I am never going to get rid of this gut. Or this erection.


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