Dear Mr. President,

Far be it from me, just some guy with a blog, to assume that I have the knowledge, skill or the right to tell you what you should say in a major policy address. But, I am a citizen and a taxpayer and, most importantly, someone who has gone to bat for you in countless debates and arguments over the last three years.

In all likelihood you will never even read this. Nor should you. You have far more important things to do with your time than listen to my insane rambling. However, knowing that you won’t listen to my words or heed my advice I feel a certain freedom in writing this. In other words it’s a good excuse not to censor myself.

Tonight you will give an address to the nation regarding our military involvement in Libya. Being a schooled and pragmatic politician you will no doubt choose every single word carefully. Every sentence will have been constructed with the utmost attention to political detail. Every nuance, every emphasis and every inflection will be rehearsed in preparation for the inevitable devouring by the media noise machine.

I know I will probably support what you have to say. But, that won’t stop me from fantasizing about what I wish you would say. So, in that spirit, please enjoy a glimpse inside my warped imagination.

“My fellow Americans,

One week ago I made the difficult decision to involve our military in the current civil war being fought in the nation of Libya. As expected this decision was met with criticism from both sides of the political spectrum. As President I accept that my decisions will almost never be met with unanimous approval and I embrace that. The last time a nation did anything lockstep in unison it invaded Poland. I say bring it on. Do your worst. Let’s start with those of you on the right.

I suppose were I a rootin’ tootin’ white man from Texas you’d all be patting me on the back. You know, killin’ us another brown guy “over there” and gettin’ us some oil. Yippee. But I’m not. I’m an educated black man who speaks in coherent sentences and, more importantly, can actually find the country I’m bombing on a map. I understand that continues to be a problem for some of you.

The conservative voices condemning me for this action have, for the better part of four decades, been screaming and whining for us to get rid of Mumar Khaddaffy. Or Momar Ghaddaffi. Or whatever the fuck he chooses to call himself. He has been a thorn in the side of America, NATO and the world for far too long. He is arguably the biggest state sponsor of terrorism in history. We know him to be personally involved in the financing, planning and execution of terror attacks which have killed American citizens and military personnel going back to the 1970’s.

Ronald Reagan, that right-wing masturbatory icon, even bombed the living hell out of him in 1986. I didn’t hear any of you complaining then. So, in short, eat my butt. Go complain about taxes or Hollywood or something and leave the big decisions to people who spend the majority of their day on the planet Earth. Go on now. Read the TURNER DIARIES or clean your assault weapon or something.

Now, I’d like to address the objections of you on the political left. I know you have deep concerns and reservations about the use of military force. You saw the utter insanity and senselessness of the Iraq war and that energy helped sweep me and many other anti-war Democrats into office in 2006 and 2008. We ran on a pledge that we would not repeat the same mistakes of the past administration, nor engage in the same kind of idiotic aggression. So with that in mind I choose my words to you very carefully.

Grow the fuck up. This isn’t the student union at Berkeley, hippie, this is the real world. There are people with guns out there. Mean people. People who are angry and violent for no particular reason. People who blow up our airliners and bomb nightclubs where they know our soldiers hang out. Just because. People who use their own military to slaughter unarmed men, women and children to suppress opposition and instill fear and terror. People who do nothing all day but find ways to attack and harm us and our allies.

You might say we should engage with these people diplomatically. Yeah, sure. Have you ever met a psychopath? A raving, heavily armed religious lunatic? A sick and twisted asshole who would slaughter his people wholesale if it meant clinging to power? What exactly should I say to this type of person? “Please don’t do that anymore. Talk to me, help me understand you. I see the good in you.” HA HA HA HA HA HA! Tell you what, try that approach on the next punk who attacks you in a dark alley.

This isn’t Iraq. This isn’t even Afghanistan. So sit down, sip a decaf latte and fucking relax. The 60’s are long gone and most of you are too young to remember them anyway. You have a good life here in America and it’s not because we play nice with bullies and thugs.

In closing, we’re going to see this thing through to its natural conclusion in Libya. I know, the international body gets its panties in a twist whenever there is talk of removing Khaddaphi as opposed to stopping him. Let’s get real here. This thing ends when he goes face-first into the moat at his palace like goddamn Tony Montana at the end of SCARFACE. And if America doesn’t do it, nobody will. Why? Because we fucking rock.

Thank you and goodnight.”


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