Archive for April, 2011

29
Apr
11

IT’S A LOVELY DAY FOR A WEDDING

I woke up around 1 AM this morning fully intent on watching the Royal Wedding live from Britain. Then I sat down for a moment, did some intense soul searching and came to the conclusion that I didn’t give a pile of flaming sheep shit about it. I’m a guy and weddings are for girls. So instead I played CALL OF DUTY for like four hours.

I felt that it was interesting that the biggest wedding of the decade was coinciding with the striking down of California’s gay marriage ban. By a gay judge. Which everyone is making a big fucking deal about. Because, you know, a straight judge would be more impartial. By that logic a wealthy judge shouldn’t be allowed to rule on a case concerning campaign donations or taxes. And a female judge shouldn’t be allowed to rule on… well, anything. Christ. I could try to understand this whole thing but it’s already like 1:00 PM on a Friday and that pitcher of margarita isn’t going to make itself.

The reality, of course, is that the whole issue is just a distraction. It gets people fired up and willing to elect someone who, under any other circumstances, wouldn’t be qualified to work the drive-thru at Taco Bell. Your support or opposition of two dudes kissing each other really says nothing about your ability to understand complex economic issues or the best way to shape our foreign policy for a new millennium.

Overall, though, I have no problem with men marrying other men or women marrying other women. Hell, I don’t care if you want to marry your vibrator or blowup sex doll. Or Hugh Hefner. I really don’t give a shit what you do. I have a life and it’s too busy for me to sit around the house all day getting upset about what other people are doing in their personal lives. Still, I tend to hear the same arguments from anti-gay marriage people all the time. So I thought taking a look at some of them would be fun.

SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE MEANS YOU’RE GAY

I come across this one every so often. I think men are disgusting. I even lived in West Hollywood for a number of years and I’m still quite comfortable in my fascination with vaginas. I used to get whistled at by trannies on Santa Monica Blvd and it didn’t threaten my self-image. If anything it made me feel better about myself because those shims, man, they have some pretty high standards. And wanting to see me naked is actually a sign that you’re quite normal. Unlike those high school girls who would run away and call the police when I would take my pants off in front of them. My heart goes out to their families.

GAY MARRIAGE WILL DESTROY TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

I’m at a loss to explain how this one works. Unless gangs of gay men and lesbians are breaking into houses at night and murdering heterosexual couples. But, of course, they’re not. My guess is that retarded advice from Christian Conservatives and hopelessly unrealistic expectations spawned by the wedding industry do more damage to traditional marriage than anything else. It’s not Adam and Steve’s fault that you’re too fat and ugly to find prince charming or too drunk and stupid to marry a beauty queen/porn star. Besides, the gays don’t have to try and destroy marriage. Over half of us will do that all on our own.

THE GAY AGENDA INVOLVES MAKING YOUR CHILDREN GAY

I’ve known a lot of gay people in my life. And I don’t think a single one of them gave two farts about your kids. And the only agenda I’ve ever been able to identify involves making sure they record GLEE while hitting happy hour at Akbar. It’s actually an exercise in complete arrogance to assume that anyone gives a shit about your children or whether they grow up riding sidesaddle or not.

THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IS TO PRODUCE CHILDREN

No. It isn’t. Although admittedly I have no idea what the purpose of marriage actually is. Ask my wife, she probably knows.

THE BIBLE FORBIDS IT

Granted, this is factually true. However the Bible is largely fantasy. So, one could argue that the view on marriage spelled out in THE LORD OF THE RINGS is just as relevant. So I take Christianity’s take on marriage with a grain of salt. And a margarita.

Well, in all honesty, it’s pretty much all about the margarita. And when the gay community finally wins the right to legally marry they too will understand why you need to start drinking early in the day. Which is what I’m going to start doing now. Happy Friday.

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28
Apr
11

WALK HARD WITH A VENGEANCE

It’s not every day that I look at the third world and say “Holy shit, those people are awesome!” But, stranger things have happened. Like the time I made a series of drunken and obscene phone calls to my old 2nd grade teacher. Even though I disguised my voice the cops were on my doorstep the next day. Weird, huh?

The other day it cost me around $60 to fill up my gas tank. Once again gas prices are soaring. And of course people are bitching and moaning but otherwise putting up with it. Which is what they always do in this country. The oil companies could anally rape your family pet in front of the Christmas tree and then set fire to your house. You’ll still put up with the prices at the pump because walking anywhere is just too much work for Mr. and Mrs. Tubby. And bicycles are for Communists. Or something like that. I don’t know.

If you ask me (and you’re going to, so just do it already) this is how you protest higher gas costs:

“Being hauled up before courts and jailed just because you have chosen to walk to work as a form of protest is something unimaginable in many countries. But in Uganda it happens. Security forces are harassing and have been locking up opposition politicians and their supporters who are taking part in a protest against spiralling food and fuel prices by walking to work.

The walk-to-work protest, as it is called, began on April 11. A group calling itself Activists for Change (A4C) organised the demonstration and opposition politicians – keen to show they are concerned about people’s discontent over rising prices – heeded the call to take part. But the protest got off to a stuttering start as the leading opposition figure, Kizza Besigye, was promptly intercepted by security forces when he was leaving his home in Kasangati near Kampala, the capital. Another politician, Nobert Mao, head of the Democratic Party, and an opposition MP were also picked up.

Besigye, who was arrested for a fourth time on Thursday a day after he was freed on bail on condition that he does not stage more protests, had been given three options: To return to his house or be driven to work in a police vehicle or send for his personal car and drive to work. He chose none.” – AL JAZEERA

I wish we had the guts to do shit like this in America. But, we don’t. Our fast food, consumer mentality limits us to bitching and moaning that “someone” should do something about this while we eat McDonald’s and shop at WalMart. And get fat. Too fat to walk. So we need more gas for our cars which is why oil companies can pretty much charge us whatever the hell they feel like. Then we elect Republicans out of some childish tantrum. And then things get worse because the Republican Party is basically the political arm of the oil industry. That’s kind of like dealing with your porn addiction by electing Ron Jeremy to city hall.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. And I’m engaging in all kinds of unfounded hyperbole and conspiracy theory by saying such a thing. Perhaps I should just suck it up and retract that wildly outlandish statement I just made.

There is no such thing as porn addiction. And there never will be.

27
Apr
11

I WILL FUCK YOU UP

A few weeks ago I did a piece on President Obama’s Libya speech in which I spelled out what I wished he would say. I got a lot of feedback on that one. In fact I got a good amount of people telling me they are just as frustrated as I am with the man they were so excited to vote for in 2008.

I like him. I’ve championed him and his causes even at the risk of alienating friends and family. I just wish he had balls sometimes. And I could say the same for today’s average liberal. I like your ideas. I support your causes (for the most part). I just wish you weren’t such a bunch of fucking weenies.

Today, for the first time in history (as far as I can tell) the President of the United States actually took the time to produce his original birth certificate at a White House press conference. He did this to finally put to rest the whole “birther” thing which, I think I’m fairly safe in saying, is just another way to say “Goddamn I hate seeing a black President.”

Of course his words were careful and deliberate. They were calm and sensible. That’s who he is. But, that’s not who I am. So, once more dear friends, here is what I wished our President would have said this morning.

“Good morning. I know you all have questions but I don’t have time for that. Believe it or not I’m a busy man. I know why you’re all here so let’s get down to it.

Here it is. My birth certificate. Yes, a black man was actually born in America. Holy shit. Go ahead pass it around. Take some pictures. Go on now. Thanks to a good segment of the Republican Party I’ve had to stop what I was doing to take care of this crap. You know what I was going to do today? I was going to talk about Syria and how they’re next. Or how the oil companies should pay more taxes and if they raise prices one goddamn cent I’m gonna’ put my foot so far up their asses they’ll be licking my wingtips. I was going to talk about the various ways I’m trying to stop conservatives from turning this country into China 2.

Anything else you guys want? I got some film from my last colonoscopy up here. I can jack off into a cup for you if that floats your boat. Don’t hold back. I work for you. Whatever you need. Here, I’ll go ahead give Michelle a pap smear and then you guys can run the cotton swab over to Bethesda to make sure she’s an American too.

I said no questions, motherfucker. Put your goddamn hand down and shut the hell up. I swear to god I’ll come over there and put a hurt on you like Jesus.

So, I showed my cards Republican America. Where’s your fucking birth certificates you traveling band of inbred hicks? No wonder Barbour dropped out. He’s a fucking Nazi war criminal. I have no proof of this. But, I’m going to run with it. You know, old bigoted white man from the South, former SS guard at Dachau. Works for me. You like that? Huh? Like that game? Because that’s the game we’re playing.

How about Sarah Palin and her DS kid? How do we know that’s really hers? Where’s that birth certificate? Dammit, I want to know. For that matter I’d like to see the results of her last gynecological exam. I’d like to know what’s going on in that Grizzly womb of hers. Come on now. Don’t be shy.

Oh yeah, and what about Trump? You pole smoking fashion victim. Let’s see your bona fides. Last time I looked Kallstadt wasn’t part of the goddamn United States. Yeah, you were “born in Queens”. We all were, my friend. We all were.

As for the rest of you nameless, faceless, broke, uneducated, gun-toting, racist, Fox News watching, NASCAR loving masses I just want you to know that even though you’re a bunch of hateful and ignorant bigots I’m still going prematurely gray over here trying to help you. Seriously, look at this shit. I’ve had to resort to coloring my fucking hair because I don’t sleep. Ever. I hate this job. But, I’m doing it anyway because it needs to be done.

So I’m going to go back to my office now and get some goddamn work done. And if you have any other concerns about my name or my ethnicity or the way I talk or my wife’s biceps or the fact that I hardly ever go to church or any of that other irrelevant bullshit then you go right ahead and vote for a rich white man next November. I’m sure he’ll have your best interests at heart.

See ya’, bitches.”

26
Apr
11

MORE ELECTRICITY PLEASE

It’s hard to do my usual thing today when the topic is the worst nuclear disaster in history and the horrific consequences still felt 25 years later. Tasteless jokes and “hey, I have a thesaurus”-style wit probably aren’t the best tools for this one. Then again, I’ve never been credited with an overabundance of wisdom or decency. I’m also an asshole. And let’s face it, that’s why you like me.

Above is one of several rare photos taken at Chernobyl displayed on THE GUARDIAN’s website today. The whole piece is worth taking a look at, as is the WIKIPEDIA page about the disaster. For those of you too young to remember life before cell phones and the internet, Chernobyl was about the scariest thing to ever happen on the planet Earth. And I come from a generation that was still taught in grade school to dive under the desk in the event of a fucking nuclear attack.

I thought, however, the best comment on the complete and utter idiocy of humankind comes not from my warped imagination but from the photo caption itself:

“Liquidators clean the roof of reactor 3. Initially, workers tried clearing the radioactive debris using West German, Japanese and Russian robots, but they could not cope with the extreme radiation levels, so the authorities decided to use humans. Employees could not stay any longer than 40 seconds any one time, before the radiation dose they received reached the maximum a human should receive in his entire life. Many liquidators have since died or suffer from severe health problems”

If robots can’t do it then nobody can. But I give these guys all the credit in the world for trying. Of course this was the Soviet Union we’re talking about so my guess is that their choice was either run across the roof of a burning nuclear reactor or take a bullet in the head. Or both.

Today, I get really tired of corporate propaganda telling me how safe nuclear energy is. The entire goal of business is to get people to buy shit whether they need it or want it or not. And do we really need so much energy that we’re going to tamper with the forces of the atom? I mean, maybe we should stop putting fucking LED clocks on every appliance we sell. Maybe every goddamn piece of children’s furniture  or toy doesn’t need some electronic attachment. Maybe, just maybe, we could turn off some of the lights and giant plasma screens at the fucking Staple’s Center. Maybe Japan wouldn’t have needed nuclear power in the first place if Tokyo didn’t look like Las Vegas on PCP.

But, no. We humans just don’t think that way. Don’t turn down the flame, crank up the gas. Don’t find a clean and efficient way to produce energy or learn how to use less of it, just split the atom and hope for the best. Don’t politely ask me to stop peeping through your bedroom windows to watch you undress, call the police and create a big hassle for everyone. Jesus, people make me sick.

25
Apr
11

SO THIS IS GOING WELL…

If somebody showed me this picture and asked me what I thought it was, I would never have said “That’s a tunnel dug by the Taliban to free several hundred of their members who had been captured at no small cost in American lives and money.” Instead, I would probably make a joke about the Sarlacc Pit looking like a giant thorny anus. I guess that shows you where my head is at on a rainy Monday.

“More than 470 inmates at a prison in southern Afghanistan have escaped through a tunnel hundreds of metres long and dug from outside the jail. Officials in the city of Kandahar said many of those who escaped from Sarposa jail were Taliban insurgents.

The Kandahar provincial governor’s office said at least 12 had since been recaptured but gave no further details. A spokesman for Afghan President Hamid Karzai said the escape was a “disaster” which should never have happened.

The Taliban said it had taken five months to build the 320m (1,050ft) tunnel. It is believed to have been dug from a house rented by the Taliban. About 100 of those who escaped were Taliban commanders, and most of the others were fighters with the insurgency. The prison holds about 1,200 inmates.” – BBC NEWS

In case you were wondering, yes, these are the same people we are pretty much going to leave to their own devices when we withdraw from Afghanistan. If we withdraw from Afghanistan. I have a funny feeling that I’m going to be doing posts on this fucking place for quite some time yet. When exactly did the mission objective go from killing the people who launched the 9/11 attacks to trying to make a better Afghanistan? It just seems to me we should have been over and done with that festering toilet bowl, like, ten years ago.

Then again I guess if Iraq taught us anything… well, shit. I have no idea what Iraq taught us. Although after the first Gulf War I remember a reporter asking General Norman Schwarzkopf why we didn’t “finish the job” and get rid of Saddam. He had several answers to the question but I always thought this one was the most striking:

“And, oh by the way, I think we’d still be there, we’d be like a dinosaur in a tar pit, we could not have gotten out and we’d still be the occupying power and we’d be paying one hundred percent of all the costs to administer all of Iraq.”- FRONTLINE

It’s not likely anyone remembers that quote. It probably got lost somewhere around 2004 when Schwarzkopf was campaigning for George Bush (not that one, the other one) and telling everyone who would listen why invading Iraq a second time was a good idea. So, the next time someone tries to tell you that nothing ever changes you can pull that one out and totally win the argument.

I mean, it’ll still suck because we’ll still be occupying another country and wasting billions. And the idiots who live there will still be completely and utterly helpless without us. And our troops will be dying and losing limbs and going crazy because there is no end in sight and they have almost no medical or financial support network back home. But, sometimes I find that having the superior argument is a victory all it’s own. I tell myself that every time I have to go to traffic court or pay an overdraft fee at my bank.

22
Apr
11

STOP MAKING IT SOUND LIKE A WAR

I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. I know when I read a headline that says “HUCKABEE BLASTS GLENN BECK” it’s just an exciting way to describe mundane political discourse. I know that Mike Huckabee wasn’t actually hanging out the window of a speeding car spraying Glenn Beck’s house with a Mac-10.

And I could spend all morning giggling about how funny that would look. So I’m going to write something quick here and then pretty much go back to doing that. Here’s the actual exchange between Beckabee:

“Beck also compared Huckabee to Arizona GOP Sen. John McCain on his radio show Tuesday, labeling both as progressives, because of Huckabee’s vocal support for Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity initiatives.

“I think Mike Huckabee is the one, if you are somebody who understands progressives are on both sides of the aisle, I think Mike Huckabee is John McCain,” he said.” – CNN

After that withering salvo, Huckabee blasted back.

“But Huckabee, who’s name has been floated as a possible contender for the GOP presidential nomination, took to his PAC blog Thursday to blast Beck in response, saying, “This week Glenn Beck has taken to his radio show to attack me as a progressive, which he has said is the same as a ‘cancer’ and a ‘Nazi.’ What did I do that apparently caused him to link me to a fatal disease and a form of government that murdered millions of innocent Jews?” – CNN

This recent flare up between Huckabeck is, more than likely, a contrived PR stunt to generate excitement amongst the conservative base of the GOP going into 2012. All the more reason to use violent and militaristic language in the headlines. And you know it’s officially an election season when Nazi references make their first appearance.

In all fairness to the news industry, it’s probably hard enough getting attention with action-packed language as it is. And this is the lamest smack talk ever. What’s more, I’m sure my own life would sound downright goddamn exciting if I just changed the way I described it to people.

Yesterday, for example, I took fire from Visa for not paying my bill. I reloaded and blasted back with a totally bullshit story about the post office near my house being shut down because of an Anthrax scare. Then, my wife came home and took aim at me because of the laundry pile in our living room which had been there for like two weeks. I returned fire by pretending to have early Alzheimer’s and crapping my pants.

21
Apr
11

THE VULCANS HAVE ADVICE FOR WILL AND KATE

There was a time in history when the very idea of a European royal wedding was enough to start or end wars. End or create empires. Sway the fates of millions. Today it’s just a part of the global celebrity industry. And it amazes me that a mere 800 years after they forcibly began stripping the monarchy of it’s powers, the people in Britain still get all gaga over the Royal Family.

“The Archbishop of Canterbury has wished Prince William and Kate Middleton the “courage and clarity” he says they will need to get married in the public eye.

Rowan Williams said of the couple: “William and Catherine are making this commitment very much in the public eye and they’re sensible, realistic young people. They know what the cost of that might be. They’ve thought that through. And because of that they will need the support, the solidarity and the prayers of all those who are watching today.”

He said he wished them “every richest blessing in their life together” and the “courage and clarity they’ll need to live out this big commitment in the full glare – to live it out for the rest of us”. Earlier, the Queen held the traditional Royal Maundy Service at Westminster Abbey, giving money to 85 women and 85 men,” – BBC NEWS

Yeah, have courage to join one of the richest and most influential families in the world. I shall pray for them every day. Seriously, their decrepit DNA is worth billions. So much so that the crazy old bat hands out cash at parties and gives her grandson one of the most expensive weddings in history. Of course I’m sure the novelty will wear off once the paparazzi start going through their garbage on a regular basis. It wasn’t long after Charles and Diana were married that the British tabloids turned on them.

I think if weddings included more heavy metal music and hand-to-hand combat I would be more into them. Instead it’s like being ten again and having to watch an episode of STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE because it was your little sister’s turn to pick what everyone would watch. This isn’t how Conan or Stormshadow would get married. A marriage should be forged in a mutual test of survival and shared suffering.

Speaking of being ten-years-old again, I’ll leave you with this video. It’s the season five finale of the old ABC drama DYNASTY. It’s about eight minutes long but after 90 seconds you’ll realize why this is the greatest wedding sequence ever filmed.