01
Apr
11

40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS WITH TOMKAT

This is a first: a Magnus Greel Exclusive. Nobody else is carrying this story yet but me. You, my readers, are the first to lay eyes on what I’m sure will be the biggest story of the year. I mean it involves actors and nobody really gives a fuck about them but, hey, I take my victories where I can get them.

As many of you already know, a 747 bound for Hawaii crashed into the Pacific Ocean after suffering a cataclysmic power failure late last year.  What wasn’t made public at the time was that aboard the aircraft were Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, as well as numerous cast and crew members of the film KNIGHT AND DAY.  They were heading to a publicity appearance  in Japan to promote the film at the time.  The plane was lost, and no survivors or wreckage was ever found. For almost a year now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been played by actors in the hopes that, once found, they could resume their public life without interruption.

This morning, a fishing boat off the coast of Oregon found these journal entries sealed in a bottle and floating in the open sea. The name of the author has not been released until his family can be notified. The contents are disturbing and quite graphic at times so, please, make sure your children can see the screen.

DAY 1

My name is XXX XXXXXXXX.  As far as I can tell I am the only survivor of trans-oceanic flight 714.  The plane made a belly landing in the water and eventually crashed on the beach of a small deserted island. Most of the passengers and crew were killed instantly.  The rest died within an hour.  It must be some kind of miracle but I appear to have survived with only minor cuts and bruises.  I have no idea where I am.  I see only open sea in all directions.

DAY 3

I can’t believe this.  I have found other survivors.  Two of them.  Would you believe it?  It’s fucking Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!  I found them early this morning while I was sifting through the wreckage of the plane for survival gear. I think, however, they are both in shock.  When I found them they were still buckled into their first class seats trying to flag down a stewardess (Katie wanted a bottled water).  I tried explaining to them what had happened but all Tom would do is give me his autograph.

DAY 4

I honestly don’t know what’s more disturbing: the fact that we’ve almost no hope of rescue or the fact that Tom and Katie are walking along the beach smiling and waving at non-existent photographers.  Yesterday, Tom did an interview with a large boulder in which he talked up KNIGHT AND DAY.  He had nothing but praise for James Mangold, the director.  I don’t have the heart tell him he was torn into six different pieces by the impact of the crash.

Again, I’m assuming the two of them are suffering from shock.  Possibly even concussions or some other kind of severe head injuries.  It’s okay.  I’m in pretty good shape and I have some basic first aid training.  We’re gonna’ make it.  Gotta’ keep hope alive.  They’ve gotta’ be searching for us, right?

DAY 5

I’ve been able to find a source of fresh water.  I think I’ve also located a small population of wild geese of all things.  Talk about good luck.  It’ll take a few days but I think I can build some kind of pen to keep them in.  At least now we’ll have food.

For about the 15th time since we crashed, I’ve had to explain to Tom and Katie that the lake of blood from the dead crash victims is not a red carpet and this is not a movie premiere.  But, I might as well be talking to a couple of fish.  They just stare blankly at me, laugh on cue and then Tom proceeds to tell me how great being a dad is.  What is with these fucking people?

DAY 7

It’s becoming clear that we deviated from our flight path or something.  I haven’t seen an aircraft or ship since we crashed.  They must be looking for us somewhere else.

Having found nothing of any use in the wreckage of the aircraft I have buried the remains of the dead and am now trying to use the pieces of wreckage to spell out HELP on the beach in giant letters.  I tried asking Tom and Katie for some help but they both just gave me the phone numbers of their PR people.  I tried explaining to them that our lives are in serious danger and unless we get off this island it is quite plausible we’ll die here.  Tom put his arm around me and told me I need to free myself from the bonds of my angry Thetan.  He also said something about an “ARC Triangle” although I have no idea what that is.

Again, I suspect the both of them are still in some kind of shock or concussion-induced delerium.  My suspicions were further raised when Tom said he’d love to talk more but they were both scheduled to appear on ELLEN the next day.

DAY 11

This morning I punched Tom as hard as I could in the stomach.  No warning.  And, to be perfectly honest, for no real reason.  I just wanted to see what would happen.

I really nailed him good too.  I’m almost certain I felt the inside of his spinal column.  He took it like a champ, I’ll give him that.  He tried to smile and tell me about the history of psychiatry but he didn’t get far before he collapsed and threw up blood.  Katie just stared off into space, although at one point she did ask me to get her a bottled water.  I floored her too for the hell of it.

DAY 14

Well, for as strange and infuriating as Tom and Katie are, they do adhere to a pretty strict workout regiment.  They were both up at the crack of dawn doing yoga and weight training (with rocks, of course).  Tom tells me he’s going to be playing a boxer in his next movie so he’s trying to get in shape for the role.

I’m wondering if this is perhaps some kind of practical joke.  You know, like PUNK’D or CANDID CAMERA.  This entire experience is about as surreal as it gets.  I’m sure at some moment my entire family is going to jump out of the bushes with a camera crew and yell “GOTCHA!”.  That’d be funny.  I just hope they do it before this rash I have spreads to my face.

DAY 21

Last night I killed and ate Katie.  She’s actually quite tender and just peeled right off the bone.  For some reason I thought she’d be tougher.  I marinated her in a tub of mangos for an hour before bashing her over the head with a rock and then cooking her over a low flame.  I threw some wild berries and coconuts into the fire too, and let me tell you that is some good stuff.

She didn’t even put up a fight either.  Tom laughed and waved as I carried her back into the woods where my hut is (man, you should see what I’ve done with the place in my spare time- Martha Stewart ain’t got nothin’ on me).  Even when I made it perfectly clear I was going to kill and eat her she just stared blankly at me and grinned inanely.  She then asked me for a bottled water.  I can only take so much goosemeat anyway.

Gonna’ wait to say anything to Tom.  I want to see if he has a discernable reaction to his wife’s sudden disappearance first.  I’m convinced that he has some form of brain damage.

DAY 24

I was awakened during the night by the sound of Tom jumping up and down on a log screaming “I’m in love!” over and over again.  I think he’s under the impression that he’s in front of a live television audience because he proceeded to run through the jungle high-fiving tree branches.

Tom is clearly suffering the early stages of starvation and dehydration.  I’m guessing under normal circumstances he has his meals and beverages brought to him.  He’s not looking too good.  He’s becoming noticeably jaundiced and he’s dropped a good 20 to 25 pounds.  I’m not sure but I think he’s been shitting his pants too.  My guess is someone usually takes care of that for him as well.

Out of pity I brought him a plate of Katie leftovers.  He seemed genuinely appreciative and even posed for a picture with me.  There was nobody taking a picture, of course, but I’ve learned to just roll with those kinds of punches these days.

DAY 25

Well, some food certainly brought some life into the old boy.  Today Tom entertained me for a good 2 1/2 hours by recreating various stunt scenes from his more action-oriented films.  Alas, he would seem to believe he’s actually on the set of a movie because between each take he stormed angrily off the beach and then screamed into a large dead rat he thinks is a cell phone.  I tell you, this guy is entertainment personified.  Dumber than a bag of hammers, but truly entertaining.

I’m thinking tomorrow I might start work on digging a pit in which to have Tom do gladiatorial battle with some of the island’s larger and more dangerous animals.  There’s at least one wild boar that I know of, and I’ve seen some pretty wicked snakes.  I might also fill it with water and see if there’s any way to get a shark in there.  Now that would be cool.

DAY 31

A U.S. Coast Guard helicopter flew low over the island this morning.  But I didn’t signal.  I have a bit of a confession to make, I’m starting to enjoy this new existence here with Tom.  He’s kind of like that loveable and adoring puppy I never had growing up.  I played fetch with him yesterday, throwing Katie’s skull as hard as I could into the surf and watching him go bounding after it.  That son of a bitch found it each and every time.  He’s got some skills, I’ll give him that.  He probably thinks he’s doing a sequel to ALL THE RIGHT MOVES or something.  I say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Good times.  Good times.

Not that this existence isn’t without it’s downside.  If I hear one more goddamn thing about the “Xenu Incident” I’m going to scream.

DAY 36

Well shit.  Tom’s dead.  Dysentery, I think.  Maybe Malaria. He went out like a trooper though, I’ll tell you that.  He still has that vacant smile and stare on his face, even in death.  I’m gonna’ pass on eating him.  There wasn’t much left of him in the end.

Perhaps in death Tom taught me a thing or two about life.  I find this reality to be very unpleasant and so I’m slowly coming to realize I can just pretend it doesn’t exist.

Those paparazzi are over there.  Here, I’ll wave to them.  If I concentrate hard enough I can hear them calling to me…

DAY 39

Today I did a really bitchin’ interview with Matt Lauer over by the rusting wreckage of the plane.  He asked me about Tom and Katie, and about my next feature film project.  We had a great time.  It’ll be a great spot too.

Tomorrow I begin a press junket for the new thriller I’m doing with Julia Roberts and Michael Caine.  It’s called SERPENTINE.  John McTiernan is helming the project, taken from a script by Shane Black.  It’s gonna’ be a busy week, that’s for sure.  I have back-to-back appearances over by the tarpits on the far side of the island.  Then it’s on to the coral reef to accept a SAG award for my recent Broadway debut in the new Neil Simon play.

I’m gonna’ go ahead and ignore the fact that my teeth are falling out and these blisters on my body are getting bigger…

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