Eight months ago I started MAGNUS GREEL primarily as a way to vent. I’m a guy who works out of the home and takes care of his kids during the day. So as you can probably guess I don’t have the ability to just open my mouth and rant. And between the hours of children’s programming I’m exposed to each day and the unhealthy level of news I read, well, I needed some kind of outlet before I went fucking crazy.

Shortly after I began, my youngest son passed away at ten months old. I can safely say that no event has or ever will so profoundly alter my world or the view I have of it. In many ways I was reborn when that happened. Not as a crusader or a serious journalist or anything so hokey. But, simply as a man who came to understand that life is too goddamn short to not call it like you see it. So, in many ways, this website is as old as I am.

I had no expectations for Magnus Greel. In fact, what made it fun in the beginning was the fact that nobody was reading it. I had no second thoughts about just saying whatever the hell was on my mind. And, admittedly, I still have no second thoughts about it. But knowing that a steadily growing number of you are regular readers, well, just gets me all warm and fuzzy.

Of the now 100 posts I have put on this site it’s inevitable that one of them is viewed more than any other. And, considering the usual subject matter here (i.e. politics, world events, my secret life as a pervert, etc) I was really surprised that this is the one you, my readers, have chosen to view more than any other post I’ve done.

YOUR WAITRESS WANTS TO FUCK YOU from October 15th of last year. The neat thing about WordPress is that I have a log of all the search engine terms used to bring you to my site. And, might I say, that not only is YOUR WAITRESS WANTS TO FUCK YOU the most popular piece it is the source of some of the strangest search terms I have ever read. So I thought that today would be a good day to do something a little different. Without further ado, here are the strange and frightening things that many of you are looking for on the internet… which bring you here instead.


I’m guessing this person was looking for food which specifically says “Hey, fuck you.” Like intentionally overcooked spaghetti sauce or a raw hamburger. The other option is that they were genuinely angry at food. Which is kind of strange. Stranger still that they took that anger to the internet.


You were just horny and impatient, weren’t you? Or you have some strange Tourettes of the keyboard disorder.


Direct and to the point. I like it. Unfortunately, I doubt my blog post that day did anything to help you. Best of luck to you, though.


I like how you threw in “fuck” on that one. You know, because “waitress porn” wouldn’t have been specific enough. But apparently it didn’t help you find what you were looking for because, you know, you ended up here.


Either you search for your porn in present tense or you had a bad experience with your waitress and wanted to vent. I hope coming to Magnus Greel at least cheered you up, dude.


Okay, seriously, this is fucked up. I mean I have a healthy respect for going Greek and all. But, are you seriously telling me that it looks different when a whore does it? And what exactly does that look like? And why a waitress as opposed to a Geometry teacher or a nurse? Just asking…


It’s entirely possible someone was just having fun with me that day. That would make more sense than some weirdo sitting at a computer screaming obscenities and expressing some strange misogynist hatred for the poor woman who brought him his lunch. So much hatred, in fact, that he said “waitress” twice.


What in the hell are you looking for? Either this is the most inept porn search I’ve ever seen or it’s some kind of command. If you want your waitress to bend over for you, you should probably slip her a $100 and say it out loud as opposed to just typing it into your computer in the hopes that an underpaid, overworked woman with a tray of food will magically appear and show you her ass.


Just out of curiosity I ran this one myself and found that Google does indeed list my post from that day. However, it’s on like page 25 of the 10 million or so search results. My guess is that this guy (or girl, you never know) saw YOUR WAITRESS WANTS TO FUCK YOU after scrolling through all the results and exclaimed “No way! Awesome!” First hard rule of life, my friend: If it’s too good to be true… it usually is.


No, I didn’t make this one up. And, admittedly, they just get disgusting from here on out. I don’t even know what this would look like if you found it but if you did then I definitely want to see it. Hey, I’m only human you know.


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