19
Apr
11

WELCOME TO THE ABUSEMENT PARK

My usual morning routine involves having about eight cups of coffee while I look through the morning headlines. I have about 20 different regular news sources I visit. And even when a headline doesn’t catch my eye at first I still look at the story behind it because you never know when you’re going to strike gold. It’s a process that takes over an hour.

This morning, however, when the first headline I read was “GERMAN CIRCUS FAMILIES IN SHOOTOUT OVER TENT SPACE” I realized it was my lucky day. Seriously, put yourself in my warped shoes for a moment and tell me you could resist that? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

“A shootout between two German circus families competing over tent space has left six people injured, police said on Tuesday.

The disagreement came to a head on Monday evening as the families fired guns, used knives and attacked each other with batons, police in the Bavarian city of Regensburg said.

Three people from each family were injured, including a 48-year-old man who was shot in the leg. None were seriously injured, police said.” – REUTERS

Oh man. Where to begin? They just do everything so much better in Germany, don’t they? Beer. Pornography. Circus related violence. And their whole idea of a circus seems like so much more fun than ours. We like to tout our love of guns in America but only in Germany does being a clown necessitate small arms training.

Hell, anything German is just downright hilarious. Think I’m joking? Take this for example: anyone with a kid younger than 10 probably knows who BOB THE BUILDER is. It’s a fairly tame and exceedingly boring stop motion animation show about a guy named Bob and his crew of helpers. But check out the version they’re watching in the Fatherland:

See? They take a harmless children’s program and turn it into something you want to march around the house to. Seriously, man, that made me want to open the window, raise my fist and shout “Ich werde auf Ihnen urinieren, während Sie schlafen!”

Of course I am also part German so I guess that’s why I find all this so funny. Those of you who have no Deutsches Blut probably find all the violent circus imagery and angry chanting a little disturbing. That’s okay. Ve have vays of making you laugh…

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