20
Apr
11

1,000!

I love milestones. It gives me an excuse to get all happy and drunk. Mostly drunk. And not since college or 9/11 have I had a really good reason to get hammered at 10:00 in the morning.

My goal for April was 1,000 hits on this site. I reached that yesterday afternoon. I never imagined I would beat it this soon. Now I’m on track to double what I got in March.

It’s also 4/20 today which is a good reason to fire one up before the rigors of the day begin. And, last night, Skynet became self-aware and it’s only a matter of time before Austrian robot killing machines take over the world. Wow. I’m totally fucked up now.

Knowing that people are reading and enjoying this site (or really hating it in the case of that Polish woman who keeps sending me nasty emails- which I think is just her way of masking an intense desire to give me a rusty trombone) has turned my otherwise dull life into something truly exciting. And I want to give back to all of you for making my day… every day.

Somewhere in your daily life is someone you cannot stand. A boss. A coworker. A relative. A neighbor. I’m putting out this offer to you, my readers: I want to call this person and waste as much of their time as possible. Then, I want to post that time-wasting phone call right here on Magnus Greel for your amusement.

At any rate, my email address is FullAutoShotgun@gmail.com. All I need is their name, their phone number (direct dial and/or extension if applicable) and a few basic facts about the person. Let Magnus take care of the rest.

In the meantime, please enjoy something from the vault. This is a letter I wrote and sent back in 2003 to then Senator Joseph Biden. Never got a reply. So much for a government of the people.

“September 25, 2003


Senator Joseph Biden

United States Senate

Committee on Foreign Relations

2 Mass Avenue Northeast

Washington, DC 20001

 

Dear Senator Biden:

My name is XXX XXXXXXXX and I am 29-years-old.  Currently, I work as a legal-assistant at a small law firm near downtown Los Angeles.  I am a little over 6-feet-tall, around 200 lbs and quite athletic.  I have black hair and, thanks to braces, straight teeth.

     Recently, a young woman of Lithuanian descent began working in the office adjacent to my own.  Her name is Irka.  I must tell you, she is perhaps the most attractive woman I have ever met.  I often spend the majority of my work day thinking about her.  And, at least once a day, I retreat to the men’s room stall to masturbate while imagining her and myself involved any number of sexually-charged scenarios.  There is this one that is my favorite, where everyone else on earth has died and she and I must repopulate the planet.

     Anyway, I have tried everything to get her attention: cologne, new wardrobe, nicer haircut, etc. but nothing seems to be working.  She is a shy girl, and I fear that my overtures to her are only making the situation worse.

     Obviously, at this rate, the chances of my having relations with this woman are slim-to-none.  I am at the end of my rope here.  Quite frankly, I can think of nowhere else to turn for help in this matter.  Any assistance you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

     Also, I have heard it rumored that women from the Balkans have more than one G-spot.  Can you shed any light on this?  I feel that, were I armed with the facts in this area, it could potentially increase my chances for having foreign relations.

     I eagerly await your reply.

 

Best Regards,

XXX XXXXXXXX

XXXX X XXXXXX

XXX XXXXXXX, XX XXXXX

Ward 11”

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