A few weeks ago I did a piece on President Obama’s Libya speech in which I spelled out what I wished he would say. I got a lot of feedback on that one. In fact I got a good amount of people telling me they are just as frustrated as I am with the man they were so excited to vote for in 2008.

I like him. I’ve championed him and his causes even at the risk of alienating friends and family. I just wish he had balls sometimes. And I could say the same for today’s average liberal. I like your ideas. I support your causes (for the most part). I just wish you weren’t such a bunch of fucking weenies.

Today, for the first time in history (as far as I can tell) the President of the United States actually took the time to produce his original birth certificate at a White House press conference. He did this to finally put to rest the whole “birther” thing which, I think I’m fairly safe in saying, is just another way to say “Goddamn I hate seeing a black President.”

Of course his words were careful and deliberate. They were calm and sensible. That’s who he is. But, that’s not who I am. So, once more dear friends, here is what I wished our President would have said this morning.

“Good morning. I know you all have questions but I don’t have time for that. Believe it or not I’m a busy man. I know why you’re all here so let’s get down to it.

Here it is. My birth certificate. Yes, a black man was actually born in America. Holy shit. Go ahead pass it around. Take some pictures. Go on now. Thanks to a good segment of the Republican Party I’ve had to stop what I was doing to take care of this crap. You know what I was going to do today? I was going to talk about Syria and how they’re next. Or how the oil companies should pay more taxes and if they raise prices one goddamn cent I’m gonna’ put my foot so far up their asses they’ll be licking my wingtips. I was going to talk about the various ways I’m trying to stop conservatives from turning this country into China 2.

Anything else you guys want? I got some film from my last colonoscopy up here. I can jack off into a cup for you if that floats your boat. Don’t hold back. I work for you. Whatever you need. Here, I’ll go ahead give Michelle a pap smear and then you guys can run the cotton swab over to Bethesda to make sure she’s an American too.

I said no questions, motherfucker. Put your goddamn hand down and shut the hell up. I swear to god I’ll come over there and put a hurt on you like Jesus.

So, I showed my cards Republican America. Where’s your fucking birth certificates you traveling band of inbred hicks? No wonder Barbour dropped out. He’s a fucking Nazi war criminal. I have no proof of this. But, I’m going to run with it. You know, old bigoted white man from the South, former SS guard at Dachau. Works for me. You like that? Huh? Like that game? Because that’s the game we’re playing.

How about Sarah Palin and her DS kid? How do we know that’s really hers? Where’s that birth certificate? Dammit, I want to know. For that matter I’d like to see the results of her last gynecological exam. I’d like to know what’s going on in that Grizzly womb of hers. Come on now. Don’t be shy.

Oh yeah, and what about Trump? You pole smoking fashion victim. Let’s see your bona fides. Last time I looked Kallstadt wasn’t part of the goddamn United States. Yeah, you were “born in Queens”. We all were, my friend. We all were.

As for the rest of you nameless, faceless, broke, uneducated, gun-toting, racist, Fox News watching, NASCAR loving masses I just want you to know that even though you’re a bunch of hateful and ignorant bigots I’m still going prematurely gray over here trying to help you. Seriously, look at this shit. I’ve had to resort to coloring my fucking hair because I don’t sleep. Ever. I hate this job. But, I’m doing it anyway because it needs to be done.

So I’m going to go back to my office now and get some goddamn work done. And if you have any other concerns about my name or my ethnicity or the way I talk or my wife’s biceps or the fact that I hardly ever go to church or any of that other irrelevant bullshit then you go right ahead and vote for a rich white man next November. I’m sure he’ll have your best interests at heart.

See ya’, bitches.”


2 Responses to “I WILL FUCK YOU UP”

  1. 2 Ra
    April 27, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    Magnus, you have got to put links up so we can facebook and tweet this stuff, it’s too damn priceless!!

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