29
Apr
11

IT’S A LOVELY DAY FOR A WEDDING

I woke up around 1 AM this morning fully intent on watching the Royal Wedding live from Britain. Then I sat down for a moment, did some intense soul searching and came to the conclusion that I didn’t give a pile of flaming sheep shit about it. I’m a guy and weddings are for girls. So instead I played CALL OF DUTY for like four hours.

I felt that it was interesting that the biggest wedding of the decade was coinciding with the striking down of California’s gay marriage ban. By a gay judge. Which everyone is making a big fucking deal about. Because, you know, a straight judge would be more impartial. By that logic a wealthy judge shouldn’t be allowed to rule on a case concerning campaign donations or taxes. And a female judge shouldn’t be allowed to rule on… well, anything. Christ. I could try to understand this whole thing but it’s already like 1:00 PM on a Friday and that pitcher of margarita isn’t going to make itself.

The reality, of course, is that the whole issue is just a distraction. It gets people fired up and willing to elect someone who, under any other circumstances, wouldn’t be qualified to work the drive-thru at Taco Bell. Your support or opposition of two dudes kissing each other really says nothing about your ability to understand complex economic issues or the best way to shape our foreign policy for a new millennium.

Overall, though, I have no problem with men marrying other men or women marrying other women. Hell, I don’t care if you want to marry your vibrator or blowup sex doll. Or Hugh Hefner. I really don’t give a shit what you do. I have a life and it’s too busy for me to sit around the house all day getting upset about what other people are doing in their personal lives. Still, I tend to hear the same arguments from anti-gay marriage people all the time. So I thought taking a look at some of them would be fun.

SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE MEANS YOU’RE GAY

I come across this one every so often. I think men are disgusting. I even lived in West Hollywood for a number of years and I’m still quite comfortable in my fascination with vaginas. I used to get whistled at by trannies on Santa Monica Blvd and it didn’t threaten my self-image. If anything it made me feel better about myself because those shims, man, they have some pretty high standards. And wanting to see me naked is actually a sign that you’re quite normal. Unlike those high school girls who would run away and call the police when I would take my pants off in front of them. My heart goes out to their families.

GAY MARRIAGE WILL DESTROY TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

I’m at a loss to explain how this one works. Unless gangs of gay men and lesbians are breaking into houses at night and murdering heterosexual couples. But, of course, they’re not. My guess is that retarded advice from Christian Conservatives and hopelessly unrealistic expectations spawned by the wedding industry do more damage to traditional marriage than anything else. It’s not Adam and Steve’s fault that you’re too fat and ugly to find prince charming or too drunk and stupid to marry a beauty queen/porn star. Besides, the gays don’t have to try and destroy marriage. Over half of us will do that all on our own.

THE GAY AGENDA INVOLVES MAKING YOUR CHILDREN GAY

I’ve known a lot of gay people in my life. And I don’t think a single one of them gave two farts about your kids. And the only agenda I’ve ever been able to identify involves making sure they record GLEE while hitting happy hour at Akbar. It’s actually an exercise in complete arrogance to assume that anyone gives a shit about your children or whether they grow up riding sidesaddle or not.

THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IS TO PRODUCE CHILDREN

No. It isn’t. Although admittedly I have no idea what the purpose of marriage actually is. Ask my wife, she probably knows.

THE BIBLE FORBIDS IT

Granted, this is factually true. However the Bible is largely fantasy. So, one could argue that the view on marriage spelled out in THE LORD OF THE RINGS is just as relevant. So I take Christianity’s take on marriage with a grain of salt. And a margarita.

Well, in all honesty, it’s pretty much all about the margarita. And when the gay community finally wins the right to legally marry they too will understand why you need to start drinking early in the day. Which is what I’m going to start doing now. Happy Friday.

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1 Response to “IT’S A LOVELY DAY FOR A WEDDING”


  1. July 9, 2014 at 8:37 PM

    You really make it appear really easy with your presentation however I find this topic to be
    actually one thing which I feel I’d never understand.
    It seems too complicated and very vast for me. I am looking ahead in your next publish,
    I’ll attempt to get the cling of it!


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