02
May
11

ALL THE RIGHT MOVES

I remember exactly where I was on 9/11. I was asleep. It was like 6 AM on the West Coast. But when I woke up, man was I pissed. And I remember how, for months after, I was waiting for that moment when they would announce that they had finally killed Osama Bin Laden.

Of course it never came. And Bin Laden was, at the most, a symbolic and maybe financial heart for Al Qaeda. Killing him wouldn’t end organized terror any more than killing Hitler would have ended the Holocaust or killing Katie Couric would put an end to the CBS Evening News.

There’s nothing I can say about the death of that fuckstick that hasn’t already been said, or will soon be said. And even though Obama has just once again established himself as a political force to be reckoned with you know the right wing is going to desperately try and find some way to spin this to try and make him look bad. So, I thought I would try and beat them to the punch. Here are some of the various versions of brain puke you’re likely to hear from the wingnut gallery over the next few days and weeks:

HOW COULD OBAMA KILL A FELLOW MUSLIM?

Somewhere in the rotting, tumor-ridden mind of Rupert Murdoch this one actually makes sense. And I’m sure there’s a good number of GOP voters who agree. And a black man could make it rain $100 bills and they would still hate the fact that he’s the President. Shucks, did I just insinuate that there’s some kind of racism at work in the conservative movement? Gads.

KILLING PEOPLE IS WRONG

This one has already begun rearing it’s head on the conservative blogs and news outlets. I guess blindly backing George Bush (either one) and his wars has led many on the right to return to their peaceful, Christian roots. How touching.

HOW DARE HE USE AMERICAN TAX DOLLARS TO KILL THE MOST WANTED TERRORIST IN THE WORLD WITHOUT CONSULTING REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS FIRST

I’m guessing this will be the Tea Party line of attack in the coming days. Of course, their fifteen minutes ended fifteen minutes ago. So, you know, who gives a shit.

SEE? BLACK MEN REALLY ARE VIOLENT

Yeah. A good old god fearing white man never would have authorized such a thing. See, Bush (that one) was a true man of faith and an example to the civilized world by not killing Bin Laden the 100 or so times he had the chance. Which, incidentally, brings me to the next one:

OBAMA IS JUST TAKING CREDIT FOR 8 YEARS OF WORK BY GEORGE BUSH

Faux News is already playing up this one. In fact, when the news broke last night they had Bush’s picture all over their website and not one of Obama. Bush sat in the Oval Office for eight years and fiddled with his dick rather than go after Bin Laden. Or help people after Katrina. Or stop the banks from fucking the rest of us. Or do anything, really. And while Bush was bumping uglies with the Pakistani leadership for eight years Bin Laden was chilling like 200 yards from their main military academy. In a town inhabited mostly by military officers. Man, where’s Michael Moore when you need him?

Another interesting variation on this is that Bush was right to spend billions capturing and killing Saddam Hussein instead of going after Bin Laden. Because, and let me see if I can say this without giggling, Saddam was really the one behind 9/11.

HOW DARE HE UNILATERALLY GO AFTER BIN LADEN IN A SOVEREIGN COUNTRY WITHOUT CONSULTING THE UNITED NATIONS OR OUR ALLIES

That’s funny, right? Believe it or not that one also is popping up in the wingnutosphere.

JESUS, I HATE THE FUCKING BLACKS

Okay, you’re probably not going to hear this one spoken out loud. But, let’s face it, pretty much every conservative argument nowadays can find its genesis in this one. Oh sure, they get all riled up when you insinuate that they’re racists. They get even more riled up when a black man is President. And nothing is going to be burning their crosses more today than the fact that Barack Obama just opened up a can of political whoop ass. Or the fact that a good number of white Americans like myself will gladly vote for him again.

In the end I think that there will be more terrorist attacks. And killing Bin Laden is mostly symbolic and doesn’t make us that much safer. In fact it’s likely that Bin Laden’s followers will be more energized in the short term and plot even bolder attacks in retaliation. Nevertheless, today I feel like a corner has been turned and I’m proud to be an American. Like when that nurse who accused me of sexually harassing her finally admitted under oath that she had a drinking problem and, because her character had been assassinated, the prosecutor chose to drop the charges. I shed a tear and saluted the flag that day, let me tell you.

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