09
May
11

RICH PEOPLE ARE FASCINATING

There’s a reason I still haven’t seen THE SOCIAL NETWORK. Well, there are actually two reasons. Firstly, until Netflix sends me a copy of the original TRON that I can burn, my queue isn’t moving. Secondly, I’m not rich and so as far as people who are go, well, I don’t really give a rat’s ass.

You can thank my wife for sending me this story from CBS NEWS. I think it was supposed to be some kind of masturbatory feel-good piece on how unbelievably great the wealthy are. I never would have expected something like that from a major news network but life is full of surprises I guess. Just like my wife giving me material for my blog instead of just complaining about my sick sense of humor and general obsession with pornography. Gotta’ love her. Seriously. I wouldn’t want to be married to me.

“Billionaire investor Warren Buffett says a private gathering at an Arizona resort where Oprah likes to hang out was a great chance for the American billionaires who have pledged to give away at least half their wealth to meet each other, compare notes, eat and laugh.”

Yeah, I’m sure they laughed. They probably laughed a lot. They probably went around the table laughing themselves silly about how unbelievably rich and lucky they are. If I were that rich I would laugh too. Like constantly. I would sound like the Joker or a James Bond villain.

I do give them credit for finally realizing how so obscenely, shit eating rich they are. But just when I was about to let my guard down and finally admit that wealthy people are still just people and are probably more like you and I than we realize I read this last part:

“Some common themes emerged from the event. The participants are looking to do more impactful, more effective philanthropy and to inspire average people to give money away, Jean Case said.”

That’s Jean Case as in wife of AOL founder Steve Case. I guess fucking the rich is now newsworthy. This would explain why anyone even knows who Kate Middleton is. Average people don’t have any money to give away because you already have it all, jackass. You should be giving us money for not surrounding your mansions with torches and pitchforks and dragging your bloated corpses through the streets.

When you have to dig through the change compartment in your car to pay for gas or have your credit card company call you eight times on a Sunday then you can offer me tips on how to live my life. Until then just keep giving your obscenely rich husband blowjobs in exchange for a grotesquely opulent lifestyle and shut the hell up.

Marx is famous for arguing that all struggles, in the end, are class struggles. I’m famous for taking things Marx said and then adding boob and fart jokes. Americans are famous for thinking that one day they too will be rich and famous like these people. By some estimates less than 1% of the American population is considered wealthy. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, who serves in Congress, the Supreme Court and the White House is and always has been wealthy. That’s probably the real reason they’re all sitting around laughing.

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