10
May
11

SHIVAH ME TIMBERS!

I’m of the view that the fundamentalist portion of any religion is pretty much akin to a mental illness. When you are so devoid of any humanity or personality that you need to live “by the book” then I think you pretty much have failed as a human being.

When you live your life worrying about what hat to wear or what food to eat on what day of the week or what gender to arbitrarily subjugate… it’s just a way of keeping you from asking the important questions in life. For example, why am I living like this?

“Brooklyn-based Hasidic newspaper Der Zeitung has apologized for publishing an iconic photograph of President Obama and his national security team with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security team member Audrey Tomason photoshopped out.

Der Zeitung addressed what it cast as “allegations” that the women had been removed from the photograph because “religious Jews denigrate women or do not respect women in public office,” calling such suggestions “malicious slander and libel.”

“In accord with our religious beliefs, we do not publish photos of women, which in no way relegates them to a lower status,” Der Zeitung said.” – CBS NEWS

It’s funny that you think my calling you a bunch of sexist barbarians is slander. It’s even funnier that I’m going to do it anyway. Then I’m going to jump up on the table, pull my pants down, shake my ass and shout “Oh no! The Hasidim are gonna’ get me! Oh no! What am I gonna’ do?”

Apparently all I have to do is run into the nearest art gallery or portrait store at the mall where they are powerless to pursue me. Otherwise they melt… or something. Man, I don’t know. I don’t let my dog eat with us at the dinner table and that very much relegates her to a lower status. And I know my ex-girlfriends didn’t remove me from all of their pictures because they thought I was an outstanding human being.

You’d think that the ultra-conservative Jews, Christians and Muslims of the world would have lots in common with all this spooky nonsense. Conservative Muslims apparently burst into flames if they see the color red and Orthodox Christians can’t go anywhere near Kryptonite or they begin rapidly aging. And apparently conservative Hindus can’t see through lead.

Well, hey, if having bizarre religious beliefs is okay then I’m going to openly practice mine. A few months ago I founded the Church of Monogreelism of which I am the spiritual leader and chief deity. I believe women should not wear underwear and that not getting fighting drunk before driving to work is against god’s law. I also believe in showing my penis to supermodels on the first Friday of every month. Don’t oppress me, you anti-Greelite bastard! You have no idea how my people have suffered over the last, um, six or seven months.

You’re probably going to point out that I completely misused the word shivah in the title of this post. Perhaps you haven’t been paying attention to the last few paragraphs, but, that’s the least of my problems.

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