It’s a really slow news day today. Like, agonizingly slow. Bin Laden is in the news more now than he was when he was alive. Oil executives are whining to Congress about how unfair it is to be obscenely wealthy and have unparalleled access to the levers of power. And apparently there’s a television show called “American Idol” in which people with learning disabilities and various mental illnesses sing and dance to entertain has-been pop stars and record executives.

I have what I consider to be my nuclear option on days like this. Well, there are several. I can post the various prank phone calls I have made on behalf of my readers… and risk being sued. I can dig through my hard drive for old letters and faxes I have sent over the years. Or, take pictures of my penis and throw them up online with the words HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? written above and then leave a phone number which actually belongs to a woman named Irene in Pasadena.

But, before I resorted to exposing myself I took one last look through the news and found something I thought was kind of interesting. I know. I wanted to see my dick too.

“WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange now makes his associates sign a draconian nondisclosure agreement that, among other things, asserts that the organization’s huge trove of leaked material is “solely the property of WikiLeaks,” according to a report Wednesday.

“You accept and agree that the information disclosed, or to be disclosed to you pursuant to this agreement is, by its nature, valuable proprietary commercial information,” the agreement reads, “the misuse or unauthorized disclosure of which would be likely to cause us considerable damage.”

WikiLeaks is not known to have sold any of its leaked material, though Assange has discussed the possibility in the past. The organization announced in 2008 that it was auctioning off early access to thousands of e-mails belonging to a top aide to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, but the auction ultimately fell apart.” – WIRED

I’m all for Wikileaks in theory. Governments and corporations should live in fear of their darkest secrets and misdeeds being exposed. And like most people I love the idea of the underdog taking down the, uh, overdog? I don’t know. Whatever. You know what I mean.

The problem with Wikileaks and it’s Narcissist-in-Chief Julian Assange (seriously, how in the hell do you pronounce that? I keep saying “Ass Sandwich”) is that they have yet to tell us anything we didn’t already know or suspect. I have read just about everything they have thrown up online and none of it is really news to me.

Of course even more confusing is why this information was kept secret in the first place. Did someone actually look at Afghanistan and say “Wow. This place is a dump. These people are idiots. We’d better not let this get out”? And what exactly would emails from Hugo Chavez tell us? That while claiming to be a true socialist he’s actually amassing a huge personal fortune at the expense of his own people?

And of course there’s the irony of Wikileaks clinging to its own internal secrecy. And the fact that it got leaked. And even more ironic than that is the fact that the entire time you’ve been reading this you’ve been picturing my crank on a wanted poster. You sick little twist you. Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.


1 Response to “TALK TO THE HAND”

  1. 1 griffithinsider
    May 23, 2011 at 2:47 PM

    Am writing a thesis on Public Trust in Government, WikiLeaks and the Media and need to know what your opinions are. The online survey is multiple choice and will take approximately 10 minutes to complete. Please follow the link: http://www.kwiksurveys.com/?s=ILLLML_9669e09d. Would be great if you would encourage others to do the survey also.

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