Sometimes, just sometimes, I look at other countries and wish that we could be more like them. Italy, for example, has done some pioneering work in the field of topless female newscasters. Ireland has paved the way for the rest of us to be drunk all day. And without Japan it’s quite possible that a glorious future in which women are replaced by lifelike sex robots would never be a reality.

And while most days I look at Iran and recoil in horror, today I find myself just a little green with envy. I also find myself green with food poisoning although that has more to do with my weakness for cheaply made fish tacos.

“In a literal application of the sharia law of an eye for an eye, Iran is ready for the first time to blind a man with acid, after he was found guilty of doing the same to a woman who refused to marry him.

Majid Movahedi, 30, is scheduled to be rendered unconscious in Tehran’s judiciary hospital at noon on Saturday while Ameneh Bahrami, his victim, drops acid in both his eyes, her lawyer said.

Iranian officials have endorsed the sentence in the hope of halting an increase in the rate of acid attacks. But human rights activists have warned against an “inhumane” sentence.” – THE GUARDIAN

Human rights activists need to stick to sex trafficking and military crackdowns. Leave the woman with a melted face alone and let her have her justice. Where were you when this loser was chucking acid at her because she didn’t want to marry him? I call that pretty inhumane.

And you know what? Fuck this guy. Rejection is a part of life. Take it like a man. Call her house at all hours of the night and put sugar in her gas tank. Maybe spray paint “DIE BITCH” on her garage door or tell everyone she knows that she’s got the clap. I’d even be willing to look the other way on pet dismemberment.

Don’t go throwing acid on her like you’re a fucking Marvel Comics villain. And where in the hell do you even get acid? Are there different kinds for different degrees of shame and humiliation? If the rejection is really bad can you up the ante and throw Uranium at her? What about a cocktail of razor blades and 10++ hot sauce?

There are a number of criminal offenses in America for which I feel this brand of equal justice should be dispensed. White collar crime, for example, should be punishable by being forced to bathe in the urine of someone who consumes nothing but Coors and Asparagus for a week. And Congressional ethics violations should warrant the accused being forced to publicly copulate with a bus.

Granted, this exceeds the notion of “an eye for an eye”. But, you know what? As I sit here retching and puking from eating a poorly prepared seafood entrée I start to realize that justice, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. And in about twenty minutes this Super Soaker full of my bacteria ridden snot and puke is going to be in the eye of a roach coach vendor with bad hygiene and poor English skills.


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