18
May
11

WHEN JESUS ATTACKS

In case you haven’t heard, Jesus is going to return this Saturday and the world is going to end. I would assume you haven’t heard this because you’re not a screaming fundie lunatic. But, hey, if the media had even a shred of decency or common sense I wouldn’t have an audience. So I guess I’m happy that they jumped all over this story like Arnold Schwarzenegger on a maid or a teenage groupie.

“Harold Camping lets out a hearty chuckle when he considers the people who believe the world will end in 2012. “That date has not one stitch of biblical authority,” Camping says from the Oakland office where he runs Family Radio, an evangelical station that reaches listeners around the world. “It’s like a fairy tale.”

Camping, 88, has scrutinized the Bible for almost 70 years and says he has developed a mathematical system to interpret prophecies hidden within the Good Book. One night a few years ago, Camping, a civil engineer by trade, crunched the numbers and was stunned at what he’d found: The world will end May 21, 2011.” – THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

I know Jesus is supposed to have superhuman powers like healing the sick, creating food out of thin air and walking on water. Does he have any other powers? Can he fly? Can he stop bullets? Does he have the healing factor? Can he produce any kind of energy or heat beams from his eyes or hands? Can he freeze things by touching them? Does he know martial arts? Does he have any kind of vehicle like the Batmobile or Wonder Woman’s invisible jet?

When Jesus comes back, will he be the same size as everyone else? Or will he be a giant like Godzilla or King Kong? Or, will he be able to change his size like The Atom or Spectreman? Is he going to land all of a sudden like Iron Man? Or will it be like Christmas Eve with Santa and will he be spotted by airline pilots and air traffic controllers all over the world before he finally touches down? On that note, do I need to be asleep before he gets here? Should I leave him a plate of cookies?

How exactly will Jesus end the world? Is he going to start in Jerusalem and then sort of, I don’t know, walk across the globe laying down mushroom clouds or toppling buildings? Or is it going to be more of a Pied Piper sort of thing where people will just fall into a trance and follow him? If so, are they going to walk around the world with him? Will they also be flying? Where will all of these people go to the bathroom? For that matter, does Jesus have a penis? Does he ever use it? Does he poop? And does any toilet that he uses then gain divine properties like the Holy Grail?

Will Jesus fight any other deities while he’s here? Will he and Buddha or Mohammed have a lightsaber battle or play Disc Wars? If so, what happens if he loses? Will he just disappear like Obi Wan Kenobi? Or, will his blood drops turn into giant scorpions? Does he have any fatalities or finishing moves? Does he have any weaknesses like Kryptonite or sonic devices? Where are we on the costume front? Is he going to sport tights and a cape or is he still rocking the whole robe and sandals look? Can we summon him with a giant spotlight and crucifix?

Is he going to openly identify himself? Or is he going to pull some crap where he pretends to be a vagrant? Will I then go to hell or get “left behind” if I give him the finger and tell him to get a job? What if I get him drunk and have him fight another bum? What if some mean asshole just runs him over with his car? If he gets arrested for panhandling or public urination will Armageddon have to wait until he makes bail?

People who believe this stuff will no doubt tell me I’m being too literal. Well, they’d probably say I’m just being downright silly and offensive. Then they’d probably rebuke me or whatever it is they do to people they don’t like. And I’m sure any number of people are going to be deeply hurt by my flippant portrayal of the religious beliefs they take so seriously and are a central part of their very lives.

In my defense, though, I don’t really give a damn.

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