19
May
11

DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

I’ve had a lot of positive feedback on the pieces where I basically spell out what I wish President Obama was saying during his speeches and press conferences. Today he gave a speech at the State Department on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict which I have to admit I liked. But, one of the things about this whole conflict that really gets my juices flowing is the fact that for over half a century we’ve pretty much talked around the real issues here. Political spin and PC bullshit have rendered any attempt at a real solution pretty much useless.

So, without further ado, here’s what was going on in my head while The President was speaking:

“My fellow Americans, distinguished representatives from Israel and the Palestinian Territories, members of the international community. I came here today to deliver another really bitchin’ speech. It’s what I do. What can I say, I have a gift and I use it. However, what I need to say does not require excellent oratory skills or even the ability to speak in complete sentences. It requires only some direct talk and some blunt words for both parties in this ongoing conflict.

Israel, you payin’ attention over there? Put the cell phones down. I’m talking here. There you go. It’s awful hard to keep telling the rest of the world that the Palestinian people pose any kind of military threat to you. Every time we turn on the TV we see Israeli tanks and helicopters going up against dudes in Adidas running suits throwing molotov cocktails. Seriously, guys, how many more buildings are even left in the Gaza Strip for you to blow up? The place is a fucking hellhole where they don’t even have regular electricity or running water.

And quit being so coy about the nukes. We might have them, we might not have them, yadda yadda yadda. You have them. We know you have them. We know you have them because you either stole them from us or we gave them to you. I’m still trying to figure that one out myself. But, the point is, the whole world knows you have a nuclear arsenal and we’re all appropriately impressed.

As for the settlements, well, look guys I really hate to break this to you but your fucking population is shrinking. Who in their right mind wants to actually live in the Middle East? Only the crazies, man. Only the crazies. You should be building mental health facilities, not apartments. You’re never going to have enough people to use the land you already have. And quit telling me you need that land for strategic military reasons. We’re talking about a pile of dirt smaller than my driveway.

Palestine, in the house. You’re next so open your ears and close your mouths. Get this through your heads once and for all and the rest will be much, much easier: Israel is not going anywhere. Do you have any idea how much firepower we give those people? Not to mention that they have fingers in just about every pie on earth. And who can blame them? You try waking up every morning surrounded by millions and millions of hostile people, many of whom are willing to die just to take a few of you with them.

So chill the fuck out. Quit digging tunnels and blowing up Humvees. Quit kidnapping soldiers. Quit launching homemade rockets over the border. And seriously, what is with the rockets? Have you even hit anything with those? And in case you haven’t made the connection yet, every time you launch one of those ridiculous bottle rockets into Israel they roll into your hood and fuck your shit all up.

And finally, I’d like to address all of you as a whole. I know this is going to be some bitter medicine but trust me when I say it’s going to help you in the end.

I frankly don’t give a rat’s ass what bearded soothsayer you think was born or died in Jerusalem. I don’t give two diseased fucks about what mosque or temple or whatever fucking eyesore of a building you all are laying claim to. Take a look at that calendar over there on the wall. Go on now. See the date? It’s 2011 you fruitcakes! Whoever you think came from that stinking shitpile of a city died a long ass time ago. The underlying reason we’re still here trying to talk some sense into you monkeys is because you’re living in the fucking past, man. You’re hung up on some spooky nonsense from another millennium. Get with it! Because until you idiots let go of the past you are not going to have a future.

Thank you and go White Sox.”

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2 Responses to “DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE”


  1. 1 Obama4theCubsin2011!
    May 19, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    I take offense to you putting words in Obama’s mouth like that… Obama is definitely a Cubs fan and NOT a White Sox fan!


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