21
May
11

HOLY SHIT… I’M IN HEAVEN

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY AT 41 HOURS, 3 MINUTES

Well, for what it’s worth we’ve managed to track down Jesus. Well, a Jesus. I’m not sure if he really exists or not but there are people walking around dressed like him. You know, like the actors who play Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck at Disneyland? It’s like that. They pretty much stick to the script too, babbling a bunch of meaningless crap about sheep and using endless weather metaphors. I’m thinking about grabbing one of them, dragging him somewhere quiet and just beating him mercilessly until he tells me who exactly is in charge here.

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY AT 24 HOURS, 19 MINUTES

Apparently, Earth is fine. There were no earthquakes or asteroids slamming into the planet. Nothing. It’s life as usual down there. Meanwhile, in Heaven, I’m being assaulted by the shrieking angels. Charles Manson and David Koresh even started an impromptu drum circle to try and drown out the noise but to no avail.

There are also a lot of people who are really, really excited to be here. It’s starting to get on my nerves. If I hear one more “Hallelujah” or “God be praised” I’m going to puke. I already punched this one guy out when he put his arm around me and tried to get me to sing a hymn or a psalm or whatever the fuck it’s called.

Some of us are going to try and track down someone in a position of authority and ask them about the possibility of maybe going back to Earth.

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY AT 18 HOURS, 32 MINUTES

So basically, this sucks. Corporations get to advertise up here which really kind of cheapens the whole experience. I don’t know what Wells Fargo does here but they have a giant goddamn billboard that just hovers overhead and you can see it no matter where you’re standing. And there’s a guy in a giant foam cell phone following me around who keeps trying to get me to sign up with Verizon. I finally tore some pieces off this robe I’m wearing and stuffed them in my ears so I don’t have to listen to all this awful screaming. And it is screaming. I mean the angels are standing together like a giant choir but there’s no melody or rhythm that I can discern.

I ran into Hunter S. Thompson though, and that was kind of interesting.

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY AT 10 HOURS, 21 MINUTES

Nobody here knows jack shit. And despite what you might think Heaven is actually a very unorganized place. I’ve been waiting in this line for what seems like a hundred years. I can’t tell though because time is really fucked up here. I keep growing this beard that I can’t get rid of. I don’t really understand it. Nobody else I’ve spoken to has the slightest clue what we’re supposed to do here. So we’re just standing in this line because that’s what everyone else is doing. And of course the fucking angels who, as far as I can tell, don’t stop screaming. Ever.

I haven’t had time to really get into the nuts and bolts of this new existence yet. But, something tells me it’s going to be much like the last one. Except that there is no porn whatsoever here.

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY AT 97 MINUTES

Hitler is here. It’s weird and uncomfortable. Some people are really angry.

UPDATE – JUDGMENT DAY at 65 MINUTES

Apparently, I have to go to work here. I was very verbal in my unhappiness about this which led to my being shot with lightning bolts. I really just wanted to ask some questions because the screaming angel was really no help. And the screaming angels are starting to feel like a root canal. I’m assuming that they’ll either stop or I’ll be moved to another room or something.

**************************************

Going to heaven was the last thing on my mind considering that at 11:59:59 PM I was sitting on the toilet. But, to be truthful, I didn’t have to go. It’s no secret that married guys with kids learn to make peace with masturbating in the bathroom. Quietly.

So you can imagine how it looked when I suddenly found myself at the gates of Heaven with my pants around my ankles and my hand on my penis. There were like a million angels just singing. Or screaming. It was definitely more like screaming. It was really fucked up and it felt like someone driving hot needles into my ears.

Of course I didn’t have ears anymore. I was dead. But, I have to say that for being dead I sure as fuck heard all the screaming angels. Everything is made of light here. It’s like watching TRON on a black and white television back in the 80’s. I keep wanting to throw up but, as I said, I’m dead and I have no actual stomach as far as I can tell.

It hasn’t started well. But, there was some comfort in knowing that almost half of the people here were taken under similarly embarrassing circumstances. Even famous ones. John Tesh was wearing his wife’s underwear. Antonio Villaraigosa was having sex with Hillary Clinton. This one woman, this like 90-year-old Chinese woman, was just naked and screaming and holding a blender.

What I’ve been told so far is that four years of paying tuition to my Catholic high school was, by some weird technicality, an act that allowed me to be taken to Heaven on Judgment Day. Which is today. And so I’m here.

There are people from the past here. It kind of sucks but they get to be rich and famous here too. Yeah, there’s money. You not only take it with you but there’s this weird math they use to calculate interest. And from what they tell me this is the stage of existence I will be in for the next like 800 million years. I’m about to meet with one of the screaming angels. Hopefully, I’ll find out more soon.

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