I was just saying the other day that if there’s one thing missing from modern science it’s corporate influence. Granted, I was talking to myself in the checkout line at the grocery store. In German.

“Nestle SA, the world’s biggest food group, agreed to buy U.S. gastrointestinal diagnostics firm Prometheus Laboratories for an estimated $1.1 billion as part of the Swiss group’s drive into health sciences. Nestle said Prometheus, which is expected to have annual sales of around $250 million in 2012, makes tests to help doctors diagnose conditions such as inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD), including Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis.

Nestle, maker of Nescafe coffee, KitKat chocolate bars and Maggi soup, hopes Prometheus’s sales force will push its hospital nutrition products like Peptamen and Novasource.

“The combined entity will be able to leverage the products and geographic presence in gastrointestinal diagnostics. We see that acquisition as a decisive step for Nestle,” he said. Luis Cantarell, head of Nestle’s health science unit created at the beginning of the year, said the company hoped to develop personalized nutrition offerings with Prometheus’s diagnostics and expected the buy to accelerate its own research.” –  REUTERS

It seems only fitting that a single business entity should now own my food and the shit it turns into. And why is a company that makes fucking KitKat bars driving into “health sciences?” What’s wrong with just making candy? What in the hell is “gastrointestinal diagnostics”? Certainly, not something I would want the maker of my goddamn candy bar getting involved with.

Basically, the same company giving us bowel cancer is now going into the business of studying and treating it. Which I suppose makes sense from a financial perspective. Like when I started a business counseling the same people I had only moments earlier robbed at knifepoint. I made good money but none of my clients ever got better. And then the police had issues and I had to move. It was a classic tale of the American dream being crushed by big government.

Anyway, you have to wonder what grand designs a candy company would have on the world. My own personal theory as to why they are doing this involves fast women, murderous cyborgs and a surprise ending that leaves you totally blown away. But, it probably just has more to do with people who are so wealthy and bored that they can play Monopoly with real money.

Nestle is so rich and powerful it could probably kidnap you, surgically attach your face to someone else’s ass and then feed him nothing but cheap chocolate. They could keep you imprisoned in a cage somewhere in the middle of nowhere for years on end, a twisted and tormented victim of a deranged scientific experiment. Who would stop them? Who would ever know what happened to you?

Think about that the next time you ask for hot chocolate.



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