Sometimes people are so stupid it’s funny. Not like laugh track on a sitcom funny. More like funny as in wow, the human race is fucked isn’t it? That always gets my goat. Or monkey, as the case might be.

“A monkey was pelted with stones, shot at and burned to death in a South African township because residents believed it was linked to witchcraft, an animal welfare agency has said. A mob chanted “Kill that witch!” as the vervet monkey was put in a bucket, doused with petrol and set on fire, according to witnesses. Children who witnessed the killing last week were said to be traumatised.

One resident, Tebogo Moswetsi, admitted he had captured the monkey as it sought refuge up a tree in Kagiso, west of Johannesburg.

“I was curious to see this monkey that people claimed could talk, and when I saw a group of people chasing after it, I joined them,” he told South Africa’s Star newspaper. “When it went up the tree, I climbed after it and brought it down because I was curious as I found it unbelievable that a monkey could talk.

“I feel guilty. I shouldn’t have taken it down from that tree. I dropped it down after someone poured petrol on it. I had no choice.” Moswetsi added: “Someone struck a match. [The monkey] got out of the bucket and dropped down dead. They continued throwing stones at it.” – THE GUARDIAN

I don’t even know where to begin. The temptation of course is launch into some kind of satire about African villagers killing Curious George. Or, maybe throw in some “She’s a witch!” references from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL. Or I could launch into another tirade about how weird and silly the rest of the world is. Hell, to be honest with you I could just as easily hang it up for the day and go to the bar.

I suppose, however, no joke is funnier than knowing that this is the true nature of mankind. Without discipline, science and education humans become crazed and babbling idiots. It’s easy to laugh at some African villagers for actually believing in a) witchcraft, b) a monkey that is also a witch, c) that a monkey can talk and d) that killing said defenseless monkey would somehow bring good tidings to their community.

It’s probably not as easy, albeit just as funny, to confront the fact that right here in America we have people who think that Adam and Eve cavorted in the Garden of Eden with dinosaurs. Or that the Garden of Eden was located in Missouri. Or that modern medicine is unholy and when you get sick it’s part of god’s plan. Or that tornadoes and hijacked airliners are divine punishment for… something. I don’t know. Fucking savages.

This is probably why higher taxes for education don’t really bother me. It’s either that extra few bucks from my paycheck or one day I find myself tied to a large stone and people are dancing and waving curved daggers in the air in the belief that killing me will help the crops grow.


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