Archive for June, 2011

30
Jun
11

DENNIS KUCINICH IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU

Sometimes I really like Dennis Kucinich. He’s one of those Congressmen so secure in his district he can basically say what he wants without fear of political consequences. It’s always entertaining to watch him run for President too. And sometimes I like the way he gets all fired up and angry. To his credit he’s one of the few members of Congress who gets angry about anything.

Then, sometimes, I wish he would just shut the fuck up and go away.

“One of the Obama administration’s sharpest critics on the left is coming in for some sharp criticism himself after what appeared to be a friendly visit to Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad. Congressman Dennis Kucinich — an Ohio Democrat who has proposed ordering Obama to halt U.S. participation in NATO airstrikes in the Libya conflict — sat down with Assad in Damascus over the weekend and emerged to face accusations that he was getting too cozy with an autocrat whose security forces have killed some 1,300 people as they attempt to crush a revolt against his rule.

Kucinich said he made the trip, which also included a stop in Lebanon, on his own accord after being requested to go by his constituents.

“I don’t support the violence, I don’t condone the violence and by direct appeal to President Assad and in supporting those who are seeking freedom and serious reforms, I am working to end the violence. I appealed to President Assad to remove his forces from the cities. He told me he would, and today we learned that he has begun to do just that,” Kucinich said in a statement on his official website .” – REUTERS

Sure. I mean, how could a guy like Assad not remove his forces and stop killing his own people? You asked him so nicely and all. Maybe that’s all the guy wanted, you know, for someone to say please. Perhaps deep inside his tyrannical exterior lies a little boy whose father never played catch with him. Later on Kucinich baked Kim Jong Il some cupcakes and asked him to stop building nuclear weapons and starving his people. After that he traveled to Chechnya where he made the Islamist rebels there some lemonade and sang them a song to get them to stop blowing up Russian airliners.

And who in their right mind goes to Syria and Lebanon of their own accord? Fuck, man, why not spend July 4th in Mogadishu? Or go fishing off the coast of the Gaza Strip. You know, make a weekend of it. It’s stuff like this that makes the political left look utterly insane. Like when Jane Fonda went to hang out with the North Vietnamese or when Jesse Jackson palled around with Saddam Hussein on the eve of the first Gulf War. These are not the optics we’re looking for.

The only thing guys like Assad really understand is force. And not The Force. Those silly Jedi mind tricks won’t work on him. I’m willing to bet that after Kucinich left Damascus Assad was sitting around laughing with all his generals. “The little man from Ohio, he said please and was so nice. So I told him yes, yes of course I will surrender my regime to the people. Ha ha ha ha ha! And tomorrow I’m going to send him a Valentine’s Day card and a box of chocolates laced with Anthrax. Ha ha ha ha ha! Fucking idiot!”

 

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29
Jun
11

PUT THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Monday was an exciting day for me. I normally get between 50 and 100 hits in any given day. Which I know is a pittance in internet traffic terms. So imagine my surprise when I logged on to WordPress Monday afternoon to find that I had 900 hits and counting. I ended the day with over 1,500.

After some investigating I found that someone named Kelly Slater had Twittered about me. And, because I apparently live in a bubble, I kept telling everyone I know that “This guy named Kelly Slater tweeted about my blog” to which they all replied “Dude, he’s like one of the most famous surfers in the world. He’s not some guy, you fucking dipshit.”

So, I’d like to personally thank Mr. Slater for probably the most exciting day of my life this year. Yeah, I know I just had a kid. Well, when he can generate that kind of web traffic for me then I’ll thank him too. At any rate, I would like to welcome everyone from the surfing community who is now stopping by this site. I’m not a surfer myself although at a wedding reception once I got totally shitfaced and dove into a Jacuzzi with a surfboard. I think I handled it pretty well. Certainly better than my subsequent arrest and imprisonment.

So anyway, let’s get back to it. Michele Bachmann officially announced her candidacy for President this week, but not before she revealed her intellectual Bulimia and regurgitated stupidity all over her supporters like a bird feeding its young.

“On the eve of her official presidential announcement, GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly identified movie star John Wayne’s origins in an attempt to draw a parallel between her and the American icon.

“I want them to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” Bachmann said Sunday on Fox News. “It’s embracing America. It’s sacrificing for America.”

John Wayne the movie star was born in Winterset, Iowa, which is approximately three hours Southwest of Waterloo, Iowa, Bachmann’s native city and the site of her presidential announcement Monday. But according to the Waterloo Chamber of Commerce, the actor’s parents did live in the city at one point.

However, it was a different John Wayne that caused the misstep to go viral on the internet.

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy was born in Chicago, Illinois and later lived and worked in Waterloo where he was convicted of sodomy and sentenced to prison. Gacy, known as “the clown killer” was found guilty of 33 murders in the Chicago area in 1980 and died by lethal injection in 1994.” – CNN

I’ve posted about Bachmann here and here. I included her in a series I did a few months back on potential GOP candidates (and I pretty much nailed them except for Huckabee). I never knew about her secret love for clown-clad anal rapists though. But, who am I to judge? You should see the shit I watch when I’ve got the place to myself.

I knew the Republican primary was going to be entertaining but I had no idea it was going to turn out to be like Noah’s Ark for retards. There’s two of everything now. Two crazy chicks. Two Mormons. Two wealthy businessmen. And one giant flood of corporate cash. And everyone thinks god is talking to them.

At this point Obama could pretty much do press conferences drunk in his underwear and I’d vote for him. As I’ve said before there is a simple metric when it comes to Presidential elections: people elect you because they love you. They re-elect you because they hate and fear your opponent. And since the current Republican frontrunner is talking about her admiration for fucking child killing sodomites it’s probably never too soon to urge people to get out and vote. Otherwise, come January of 2013, Madam President will be addressing us from the Oval Office with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

27
Jun
11

SMOKING IS SEXY AND GLAMOROUS

Happy Monday! Yeah, I know. I fucking hate people who say that too. Mondays suck and they should be illegal. Further proof, should any be needed, that our leaders are out of touch. Of course if we abolished Mondays then Tuesdays would suck. So, you know, we’d have to get rid of them too. And as much as I’d like to have a week which consisted of nothing but Friday afternoon through Sunday night I’m guessing America’s efforts to re-establish itself as an economic powerhouse in the world would fail miserably.

On the topic of rampant capitalist growth at the expense of people’s rights and health, this story caught my eye this morning.

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is threatening to sue the Australian government for possibly billions of dollars over its plan to be the first country to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes.

The tobacco firm is fearful that plain-packaging will damage its cigarette brands like Marlboro and Alpine and reduce their ability to compete against other brands.

The Australian government argues that reducing brand identification will make smoking less attractive and in turn reduce smoking rates and the health costs associated with smoking, which is said by Australian health authorities to kill 15,000 people a year in the country.“ – REUTERS

Some might call this government overreach. I mean first they ban Joe Camel. Next thing you know they’re taking away Gary the Glock Gazelle or Herbie the Holocaust Hamster. Where does it all end?

Others, those without mental problems, would call this a shining example of the government protecting us from the rampant greed and murderous disregard of the private sector. Plus I think that when it comes to the tobacco industry they can pretty much go fuck themselves. They’ve spent billions making sure that nobody can just come out and say what we already know to be true: cigarettes are addictive and they kill you as well as all of your friends and loved ones and anyone else within a 100-foot radius.

And now they’re going to sue an entire country to keep them from giving people the facts about smoking. But, there are some facts about tobacco you probably didn’t know which I’m going to now list for you. Hey, sue me.

TOBACCO PRODUCTION KILLS ORPHANS

Every time a tobacco plant is cultivated a parentless child is brutally murdered somewhere in the world. At first look it seems unrelated. In fact, on second and third looks it still seems unrelated. Those clever, clever bastards.

SMOKING LEADS TO SERIAL MURDER

Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy… all smokers. Coincidence? You just keep telling yourself that.

CIGARETTES CAUSE ETHNIC CLEANSING

Granted, there’s no empirical evidence to support this conclusion. But, I’ve never had any love for the empire and I’m not about to believe their propaganda.

THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY GIVES MONEY TO MUSLIM TERRORISTS

You’re probably asking yourself why they do this. I am too. That’s fucked up.

SMOKING CIGARETTES MEANS YOU SECRETLY LIKE DICK

Smoking cigarettes leads to smoking poles. It’s a penis. You stick it in your mouth and suck on it. Then it makes you sick and you die. Well, cigarettes do. Cocks are actually full of vitamins and antioxidants. I’ve been waging my own personal campaign to get people to put those in their mouth instead of cigarettes for years. I actually volunteer my own penis to the cause. If it helps even one, preferably female, person to quit smoking then it’s totally worth all the legal and marital problems it causes me.

Believe me, kids, being a hero is not all it’s cracked up to be.

24
Jun
11

THE WINKLEVOSS TWINS ARE RICH

So the other night I sat down to watch THE SOCIAL NETWORK. About 20 minutes in I realized that I didn’t give two diseased shits about the movie or any of the people in it. So, I turned it off and played PORTAL 2 for like four hours. Good times.

Anyway, having lots of money is apparently newsworthy. This is why the Winklevoss twins, products of Nazi-era genetic experimentation and Harvard business graduates, are in the news. Again. In short, these two guys apparently knew Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in college and they feel that entitles them to obscene amounts of money.

“The Winklevoss brothers, Harvard contemporaries of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, have ended their legal battle with the social network. They reached a $65m (£41m) settlement in 2008, after claiming that Mr Zuckerberg stole their idea.

The legal spat was immortalised in the film “The Social Network”. In January they attempted to reopen the case, claiming that they should have received more shares than the $45m they agreed on. They sought to undo the settlement of $20m in cash and $45m in stock – now worth more than $100m.

The twins originally argued that Mr Zuckerberg had stolen their idea after he was hired by them to code their ConnectU site in 2003.” – BBC NEWS

I have compiled several arguments as to why I think these guys have nothing to complain about. I think that after hearing my diverse arguments on the subject you will feel, as I do, that these are the biggest pair of crybabies on the planet Earth.

THEY HAVE 100 MILLION DOLLARS

I get the whole “but they could have had more” line of thinking. Like, just the other night for example, my family and I ordered pizza for dinner. I had three pieces and there was plenty left for everyone else. Of course I could have eaten the whole thing and told my loved ones to go fuck themselves. But, I didn’t. I’m not a businessman, I’m a human being. As such I really only take what I need.

THEY HAVE 100 MILLION DOLLARS

I could spend my entire life working three jobs, never sleeping or going to the bathroom or seeing my kids and I still will never have 100 million dollars. Not even close. These two fuckheads came up with an idea to help socially retarded people find each other on the internet. This groundbreaking idea netted them enough cash to basically live in luxury for the rest of their lives. From the perspective of a normal person, dudes, you pretty much won no matter how you look at it.

THEY HAVE 100 MILLION DOLLARS

I often fantasize about having just one million dollars. I could pay off all my debt, put a down payment on a relatively nice house and have a little nest egg leftover for my retirement. Maybe I lack the ambition and insatiable desire for money and math that these two buttfucks have. But, to be honest, I don’t even know what I would do with that much scratch. I would probably bribe Congressmen and hire mercenaries to go out and fuck up people I don’t like. So, it’s probably best that I don’t have that kind of wealth.

THEY HAVE 100 MILLION DOLLARS

Yeah. They have 100 million dollars. And by this time next year they’ll probably be suing each other over who gets more. I wonder if their attorneys will also be freakish twins. That would be pretty cool.

And yes, that is a picture of Tomax and Xamot from GI JOE. You probably thought I used it as a cute way of making fun of these guys because, you know, they’re evil twins and all. But, the truth is that I have such little regard for the wealthy that I view them as nothing more than plastic, one-dimensional tools that are fun to play with for a while but eventually forgotten on the floor of the closet along with all the other useless crap I don’t need.

23
Jun
11

BITTER MEDICINE

Now that I have a newborn at home I’ve been getting about an hour of sleep a night. During the Korean War the U.S. Army conducted sleep deprivation experiments on soldiers. I don’t know why, to be honest. Seems like a silly waste of time. But, they showed that without sleep a person becomes totally batshit crazy. So it’s entirely possible I’m hallucinating right now. For all I know I’m not sitting in my living room typing on my computer. I could very well be in the women’s changing room at Macy’s giving some chick a gynecological exam.

On the topic of seeing shit that isn’t there, let’s talk about the high standards of the American healthcare system. My lovely wife forwarded me this story and I could not believe what I was reading. Of course, as I said, maybe I wasn’t reading it. Maybe you’re not reading this either. Maybe it’s all in my head. Fuck, now I’m confused.

“It was not perhaps the most obvious way of getting a bad back, arthritis and a dodgy foot seen to. But if you’re unemployed in North Carolina with no health insurance, there is no obvious way. So on 9 June James Verone left his Gastonia home, took a ride to a bank and carried out a robbery. Well, sort of.

What he did was hand the clerk a note that said: “This is a bank robbery, please only give me one dollar.” Then, as he later told the local NBC news station, he calmly sat in the corner of the bank having told the clerk: “I’ll be sitting right over there in the chair waiting for the police.”

Before his peculiarly modest robbery, Verone, 59, sent a letter to the Gaston Gazette. “When you receive this a bank robbery will have been committed by me for one dollar. I am of sound mind but not so much sound body.”

He told the paper he had lost his job after 17 years as a Coca-Cola delivery man, and with it his health insurance. He was in increasing pain from slipped discs, arthritic joints, a gammy foot and a growth on his chest. Since being in the jail he has attained his goal: he has been seen by nurses and an appointment with a doctor is booked.” – THE GUARDIAN

This guy should get free healthcare for the rest of his life just for having the guts to try something like this. And only a fucking retard would make him serve out his sentence when I’m sure there’s a real criminal getting paroled somewhere for lack of jail space. And I’m curious what the Coca-Cola company is spending the money on that they should have given this guy so he could see a goddamn doctor. Probably a billboard or some shit like that. Hey, that’s cool. There could always be someone out there who has never heard of Coca-Cola. It pays to advertise.

Whenever someone tells me that our healthcare system doesn’t need an overhaul I usually stare blankly at them before collapsing on the floor. Then I piss myself. But, that’s usually because I drink too much. At any rate, I can only imagine what a bunch of complete and utter morons we look like to the rest of world. And yes, it does matter what other people think of us. We haven’t done so well on the whole “We can do whatever we want all by ourselves” front. And until every man, woman and child in America gets access to healthcare I’m going to sit right here with the giant dragon hovering over my coffee table and play chess with the hopping midgets pooping Skittles everywhere.

21
Jun
11

IRELAND MUST BE HEAVEN…

I’ll start off by saying that nothing is cooler than guys with guns and ski masks. As a kid playing with GI Joe action figures I routinely let COBRA win because, frankly, they looked fucking awesome. They had way cooler shit. The Joes were just a bunch of pro-capitalist tools with stupid outfits and gay code names. I’m also part Irish. So, I felt a kind of weird conflict of emotions today when I saw that the old boys decided, en masse, to return to the heyday of turning their own country into a fucking hellhole.

“Petrol and smoke bombs, fireworks, bricks and stones, were thrown by an estimated 500 men in masks and crash helmets as violence broke out at about 9pm in the Lower Newtownards Road and Short Strand area of east Belfast, a mainly nationalist area. For four hours missiles were hurled at homes on both sides of the sectarian divide along the main arterial routes into Belfast’s city centre.

Two Protestant men, both shot in a leg, were taken to hospital. One officer suffered a serious eye injury when rioters aimed at police with lasers. The Police Service of Northern Ireland (PSNI) confirmed that officers had fired a number of stun grenade rounds and said the service was investigating a report of an attempted hijacking of a bus. Police said the violence had been planned by members of the Ulster Volunteer Force (UVF).

One nationalist resident who wished not to be named said he had seen a gang gathering at about 3pm. “I saw all these men, not young lads, massing outside a local loyalist drinking den, all wearing crash helmets. I thought they were going on an outing, just messing around. But it was the same gang who came down later on … I went to have a look – it’s the worst I’ve seen in years and years.” – THE GUARDIAN

Let me see if I have this right. Northern Ireland, which is mostly Protestant, has been largely free of sectarian violence for years now. For some reason, a bunch of Protestant Irishmen decided to get hammered, gear up with crash helmets and lasers and wreak havoc on Catholics and other Protestants. And somewhere in there they tried to hijack a bus.

Well, hey, you know. Yeah. The Irish. Just when they were on the verge of becoming an actual country where you might want to go on vacation or start a business, they decide to return to the days of firebombs and gunfire. And for some odd reason they’re all out drinking at 3:00 PM on a Monday afternoon. That’s cool. I do that too sometimes. Although the worst thing I do after that is pass out watching old Christy Canyon flicks with my penis hanging out of my pants.

More likely, however, it has something to do with Ireland’s recent financial woes. Northern Ireland’s fragile economy has been hit harder than a lot of other European countries. Jobs started disappearing as businesses either collapsed or left. So what you have left is a heavily armed and largely uneducated populace whose only real skills are bomb-making and urban warfare. Just like in Texas or Iraq.

20
Jun
11

WELCOME TO THE STONED AGE

A few weeks ago I posted a story about villagers in South Africa who tried to kill a monkey they thought was a witch. You probably laughed to yourself thinking you would never see something so ridiculous in the civilized world. Or maybe you didn’t laugh. Maybe you found yourself really depressed about it. Or offended. Personally, I got a little hungry so I ordered a pizza. Then I laughed.

Then, this morning, when I was checking out the headlines I almost fell out of my chair I laughed so fucking hard.

“A Jewish rabbinical court condemned to death by stoning a stray dog it feared was the reincarnation of a lawyer who insulted its judges, reports say. The dog entered the Jerusalem financial court several weeks ago and would not leave, reports Israeli website Ynet.

It reminded a judge of a curse passed on a now deceased secular lawyer about 20 years ago, when judges bid his spirit to enter the body of a dog. The animal is said to have escaped before the sentence was carried out.

One of the judges at the court in the city’s ultra-Orthodox Mea Shearim neighbourhood had reportedly asked local children to carry out the sentence.” – BBC NEWS

Hey, at least the Africans had the guts to kill the poor animal themselves. They didn’t go and bribe children to do it for them. Of course their squeamishness when it comes to acts of spooky barbarism is the least of their worries. Israel has a state-of-the-art military and a goddamn nuclear arsenal. So, I’m kind of curious to see what happens when these clowns decide that your dog is the… you know… whatever.

And at least the dog got away. Someone should throw rocks at these fuckheads. Maybe I’m going to arbitrarily decide that anyone who walks around bundled up in black clothing in the middle of summer is the reincarnation of my 4th grade teacher who would never call on me in class. I mean, why not? If that’s the logic were operating under here. Shit, I’m going to taser the next cop who pulls me over. It’s my constitutionally protected religious belief that anyone who tickets me is a reincarnation of Hitler. You like that game? That’s the game we’re playing now. Hey, I don’t like the guy we just elected to the city council. Or his dog. Let’s kill both of them. I think they were Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer in a past life.

Truth is I’ve known quite a cross-section of Jewish people in my lifetime including Orthodox. None of them ever expressed any beliefs that were this fucking retarded. Of course that’s why they live in America and not in the Middle East. Forget the poor, the tired and the huddled. Give us your non-bearded, non-stone throwing, non-helpless animal torturing masses. Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.