03
Jun
11

JOHN EDWARDS IS GOING TO LIVE FOREVER

I voted Kerry/Edwards in 2004. And while I didn’t love John Kerry I didn’t altogether hate him either. But, John Edwards has always creeped me out more than a little bit. And it’s more than just this picture. Although the picture alone would be enough to make me grab a hammer and some wooden stakes and go and do something really crazy.

John Edwards and his penis are in a lot of trouble today now that he has been formally charged with using campaign funds to cover up an extramarital affair. It’s always affairs with these guys. Just for once I’d love to see a politician get busted for something really bad ass like gun running or serial arson. Maybe sneaking into the Vietnamese jungle with a ragtag army of mercenaries to rescue our boys. But no, it’s always broads.

“After a two-year long investigation, former Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards has been indicted for allegedly using campaign funds for his mistress. The news was reported by the American Justice Department, specifying that the politician, whose extra-marital affair in 2008 cost him the candidacy for the White House, will have to defend himself from accusations of “violating the Federal Law on election campaign funding” – AGI NEWS

AGI News is Italian, just in case you’re wondering. Everyone is carrying this story today and I thought I would entertain myself by seeing what the rest of the world was saying. They were surprisingly uninterested in a man having sex with two women and then breaking the law to hide it. Which is odd because if you’ve ever watched porn from Italy you would come to the conclusion that they are very much interested in that kind of thing.

For the longest time I thought Edwards was like 30 or something until I saw his wife. I’m not trying to put the late Ms. Edwards down either. But, it was like a Barbara Bush thing where she looked old enough to be his mother. Then I found out he’s like almost 60 or something. Apparently whatever deal he made with Satan didn’t cover fucking up his entire political career for some ass.

It would appear to me that black magic is at work here. I think the best thing we could possibly do is stick John Edwards in a vat of water. If he drowns then he’s human. If he survives then we should kill him, although god knows how. And judging from this picture he eats children. I can’t prove it of course. But the more his people keep calling the police and suing me, the more they embolden me to discover the truth.

Speaking of babies, by the next time I post I’ll have had another one myself. Well, not me personally. I’m not pulling that goddamn thing through my pelvis. My wife will actually be giving birth to the child. My contribution ended with hoofed feet and naturally curly hair.

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