A few months ago I gave Newt Gingrich the best shot of all the potential Republican Presidential candidates for beating Barack Obama. His biggest hurdle, I thought, would be seizing the nomination. I was wrong. The biggest obstacle in his lifelong ambition to steer the country into a ditch is apparently the half-woman, half-pigeon mutant he married.

Callista Gingrich, as it turns out, was at the very epicenter of the collapse of Newt’s campaign last week. Almost his entire staff walked, some going on to endorse Tim Pawlenty, and apparently donors have stopped writing checks. Why, you ask?

“Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign was crippled by behind-the-scenes blow-ups over the role of his wife, Callista, including her insistence that the campaign arrange for screenings of the couple’s movies made by their for-profit production company, according to current and former campaign staffers and advisers. 

The use of campaign resources to promote the Gingrich’s private movie ventures made some senior staffers uncomfortable and led to repeated confrontations over the issue, they said. The campaign even carved out space on the home page of the Gingrich campaign Web site, Newt.org, where a section dubbed “Callista’s Canvas” promoted the movies, with titles such as “Rediscovering God in America” and “A City Upon a Hill,” about American “exceptionalism.”

Four current and former advisers provided new details to NBC News about the internal conflicts that last week prompted 16 top staffers — including his campaign manager, Rob Johnson, and his longtime spokesman, Rick Tyler — to resign. The mass resignations have undermined Gingrich’s efforts to raise money — he has barely collected $3 million, according to two sources — and left his struggling campaign on life support, the current and former advisers said.” – MSNBC

When Callista Gingrich talks about “Rediscovering God in America” she doesn’t mean Jesus. Rather, she means Ashkadar The Horned, sky god of the bird people. I don’t blame Newt’s people for fleeing. I’d be scared shitless to be anywhere near that thing. One loud noise or sudden move and she’d probably freak out and fly around the room screeching and poking out eyeballs with her beak. I guess the optics of her walking and moving her head back and forth to gauge depth didn’t gel with Newt’s media people either.

Often, you can predict the success of a Presidential candidate by his wife. Everyone made fun of Barbara Bush for looking 2,000 years old. But, Kitty Dukakis looked like a fucking Bene Gesserit Witch. Nancy Reagan may have looked like a backup puppet for Mr. Rogers but next to the emaciated, Treblinka-chic of Joan Mondale she looked positively radiant. And Hillary Clinton may look like every bad memory you have of your mother but I can tell you firsthand that she’s a demon in the sack. That’s probably why I don’t even remember what Elizabeth Dole looks like.

Sometimes I feel bad for Newton Leroy Gingrich. He was clearly the kid who got beat up no matter how hard he tried to fit in or just mind his own business. So he grew up to become a wealthy and influential political figure. And by helping to destroy the middle class and forcing your kids to read about Adam and Eve in fucking biology class he thought he would be able to finally live down all those painful grade school years where cries of “Hey, it’s Gingrich! Get him!” was followed by the self-esteem annihilating sound of an atomic wedgie. Instead, he’s pretty much become a walking satire of a dumpy, unpopular kid who married an alien genetic experiment and then pretty much blew his shot at greatness when he didn’t have the backbone to stand up to her. Classic conservative tale, really.


2 Responses to “SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT”

  1. 1 Seriouslyconfused
    June 15, 2011 at 3:40 PM

    Oh man… Are her eyes bugged out like that and does she really posses that Joker-like grin naturally? I thought you photoshopped that pic but after checking out more pics of her I now know that’s her face. It makes me feel sorry for Newt that he married to a crazy bitch with a jacked up face like that.

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