I’ll start off by saying that nothing is cooler than guys with guns and ski masks. As a kid playing with GI Joe action figures I routinely let COBRA win because, frankly, they looked fucking awesome. They had way cooler shit. The Joes were just a bunch of pro-capitalist tools with stupid outfits and gay code names. I’m also part Irish. So, I felt a kind of weird conflict of emotions today when I saw that the old boys decided, en masse, to return to the heyday of turning their own country into a fucking hellhole.

“Petrol and smoke bombs, fireworks, bricks and stones, were thrown by an estimated 500 men in masks and crash helmets as violence broke out at about 9pm in the Lower Newtownards Road and Short Strand area of east Belfast, a mainly nationalist area. For four hours missiles were hurled at homes on both sides of the sectarian divide along the main arterial routes into Belfast’s city centre.

Two Protestant men, both shot in a leg, were taken to hospital. One officer suffered a serious eye injury when rioters aimed at police with lasers. The Police Service of Northern Ireland (PSNI) confirmed that officers had fired a number of stun grenade rounds and said the service was investigating a report of an attempted hijacking of a bus. Police said the violence had been planned by members of the Ulster Volunteer Force (UVF).

One nationalist resident who wished not to be named said he had seen a gang gathering at about 3pm. “I saw all these men, not young lads, massing outside a local loyalist drinking den, all wearing crash helmets. I thought they were going on an outing, just messing around. But it was the same gang who came down later on … I went to have a look – it’s the worst I’ve seen in years and years.” – THE GUARDIAN

Let me see if I have this right. Northern Ireland, which is mostly Protestant, has been largely free of sectarian violence for years now. For some reason, a bunch of Protestant Irishmen decided to get hammered, gear up with crash helmets and lasers and wreak havoc on Catholics and other Protestants. And somewhere in there they tried to hijack a bus.

Well, hey, you know. Yeah. The Irish. Just when they were on the verge of becoming an actual country where you might want to go on vacation or start a business, they decide to return to the days of firebombs and gunfire. And for some odd reason they’re all out drinking at 3:00 PM on a Monday afternoon. That’s cool. I do that too sometimes. Although the worst thing I do after that is pass out watching old Christy Canyon flicks with my penis hanging out of my pants.

More likely, however, it has something to do with Ireland’s recent financial woes. Northern Ireland’s fragile economy has been hit harder than a lot of other European countries. Jobs started disappearing as businesses either collapsed or left. So what you have left is a heavily armed and largely uneducated populace whose only real skills are bomb-making and urban warfare. Just like in Texas or Iraq.



  1. 1 Shane
    December 7, 2017 at 3:57 PM

    It’s the Loyalists who cause all the trouble in Ireland, from starting 30 year turf wars, parades , flegs, weekday afternoon drinking etc.. Ireland would be fine without them like most of the rest of it is. But the Irish don’t want the Loyalists, the British certainly don’t sooo were all fucked.

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