Now that I have a newborn at home I’ve been getting about an hour of sleep a night. During the Korean War the U.S. Army conducted sleep deprivation experiments on soldiers. I don’t know why, to be honest. Seems like a silly waste of time. But, they showed that without sleep a person becomes totally batshit crazy. So it’s entirely possible I’m hallucinating right now. For all I know I’m not sitting in my living room typing on my computer. I could very well be in the women’s changing room at Macy’s giving some chick a gynecological exam.

On the topic of seeing shit that isn’t there, let’s talk about the high standards of the American healthcare system. My lovely wife forwarded me this story and I could not believe what I was reading. Of course, as I said, maybe I wasn’t reading it. Maybe you’re not reading this either. Maybe it’s all in my head. Fuck, now I’m confused.

“It was not perhaps the most obvious way of getting a bad back, arthritis and a dodgy foot seen to. But if you’re unemployed in North Carolina with no health insurance, there is no obvious way. So on 9 June James Verone left his Gastonia home, took a ride to a bank and carried out a robbery. Well, sort of.

What he did was hand the clerk a note that said: “This is a bank robbery, please only give me one dollar.” Then, as he later told the local NBC news station, he calmly sat in the corner of the bank having told the clerk: “I’ll be sitting right over there in the chair waiting for the police.”

Before his peculiarly modest robbery, Verone, 59, sent a letter to the Gaston Gazette. “When you receive this a bank robbery will have been committed by me for one dollar. I am of sound mind but not so much sound body.”

He told the paper he had lost his job after 17 years as a Coca-Cola delivery man, and with it his health insurance. He was in increasing pain from slipped discs, arthritic joints, a gammy foot and a growth on his chest. Since being in the jail he has attained his goal: he has been seen by nurses and an appointment with a doctor is booked.” – THE GUARDIAN

This guy should get free healthcare for the rest of his life just for having the guts to try something like this. And only a fucking retard would make him serve out his sentence when I’m sure there’s a real criminal getting paroled somewhere for lack of jail space. And I’m curious what the Coca-Cola company is spending the money on that they should have given this guy so he could see a goddamn doctor. Probably a billboard or some shit like that. Hey, that’s cool. There could always be someone out there who has never heard of Coca-Cola. It pays to advertise.

Whenever someone tells me that our healthcare system doesn’t need an overhaul I usually stare blankly at them before collapsing on the floor. Then I piss myself. But, that’s usually because I drink too much. At any rate, I can only imagine what a bunch of complete and utter morons we look like to the rest of world. And yes, it does matter what other people think of us. We haven’t done so well on the whole “We can do whatever we want all by ourselves” front. And until every man, woman and child in America gets access to healthcare I’m going to sit right here with the giant dragon hovering over my coffee table and play chess with the hopping midgets pooping Skittles everywhere.


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